Thought Catalog
May 12, 2017

When You Say You’re ‘Independent’ This is What He Actually Hears

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What is the issue?
Jessica
Polar

Every day I speak with single women who hope to be matched by a talented matchmaker. And every day, one by one, they list off the various reasons for their single status. My personal favorite: “I’m an independent woman and men have a problem with it.” I sit back and evaluate these words and think to myself, “They don’t have a clue, do they?”

I love an independent, fully capable and successful person; I consider myself to be the same. But what many believe they mean by this is not being received the way they intend. Instead, this statement suggests that you’re inflexible, hard to deal with and unwilling to compromise, and this is what men have a problem with.

Before I really jump in, let me just say this: There is absolutely nothing wrong with being an independent person. Someone who has secured their own financial and professional success without the help of others is fantastic! But, when you tell prospective suitors that you’re an “independent woman,” what he is hearing is that you’ve been on your own for a long time, and have difficulty with blending your life with someone else.

The truth is, that college degree, six-figure salary, and fancy condo do not make you special. Your attitude, sense of humor and style—all the things that make you YOU—are what make you special. I have yet to meet a man who says, “I want an unambitious woman with no money or education.” In fact, the men I meet desire women who are successful and have a degree of independence. It’s an attractive trait.

The fact that you have taken care of yourself without needing a man requires no special reward or acknowledgment. Women don’t need anyone for support; we’re fully capable just because! So don’t throw it in as if you require kudos. In fact, don’t say it at all. Remove it from your dating vocabulary.

Dating is hard enough without the extra additives, so stop using your independence as an excuse for not succeeding. A change in attitude and perspective can go a long way towards meeting someone special. TC mark