March 25, 2013

Having An Ex Who Hates You

Dawson's Creek
Dawson’s Creek

When entering a relationship, you should always be prepared for the possibility that the person you’re in love with might hate your guts one day. Intellectually, we know this. We know that love is just one awful mistake away from hate but we never really understand it until the whole thing goes kaboom in our face. Then we get it. Then we have no choice but to read the fine print on the relationship contract.

I never thought you would hate me, though. I never thought there’d come a time when you would wipe any evidence of our relationship clean from your life. And you know why? Because I never got you to really love me. That was the whole issue of the relationship. I was madly in love with you and….you were doing whatever the fuck people do when they’re dating someone they’re not obsessed with. As sad as it was, I thought that meant we could at least be on good terms after the break up. I mean, how could you ever hate something you never loved?

But I was wrong. I underestimated the power of breakups and the ripple effect they can create. Everything can be fine until one day it infects your bones and then you decide you don’t want anything to do with the person anymore. Poof! You’re gone. Unfriended from Facebook, unfollowed on Twitter. (That might sound petty but it’s 2013, okay? We can admit that this kind of shit hurts our feelings, right?)

I don’t like how bothered I am by your rejection. I feel like now, even so long after our break up, I’m still constantly wanting your approval. And to know that you don’t want to know ANYTHING that’s happening in my life, to know that I don’t have the right to even call you on the phone anymore, is devastating.

On the other hand, part of me is almost flattered that I’ve made such an impact on your life. This whole time I thought you were just some emotionless zombie who didn’t really care about me but I now know that’s not true. You don’t delete someone from your life if you don’t care about them. It makes me wonder if, in fact, you did love me in your own weird, screwed up way. Your cruelty and avoidance after the break up is ironically the only proof I have that I might’ve mattered to you.

So I guess keep on hating me because it’s the only thing I got from you, the only thing you ever gave me. TC Mark

January Nelson

January Nelson is a writer, editor, dreamer, and occasional exotic dancer. Her work has appeared on Facebook, …