October 10, 2012

Discussion: What Would Cause You To Cheat?

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What is the issue?

I’ve never been cheated on: it’s a presumptive, but likely accurate statement. If you have been, though, you’re probably wondering why. As evidenced by a Reddit thread yesterday, the answers are nuanced (and fascinating).

From user Anonikkymonster:

This is easier to answer than I would like. Some things about me first.

I love my Wife. I’m very passionate, romantic, caring, and I consider myself a fantastic father. I routinely surprise her with flowers, massages, kisses and aromatic situations.

I’ve been married 6 years and have a wonderful 4 year old child.

I have no intention of ever leaving my marriage, and I want to spend the rest of my life with my SO.

With that said, here is the why.

My wife for some reason no longer finds sex important. She would rather watch an important show, or do the dishes than get overly intimate.

I on the other hand, enjoy it immensely. It’s vitally important to me in regards to feeling close to her.

When we do have sex it’s when it’s convenient for her. IE: God forbid if I initiate sex, and she’s not thinking about it. It’s like pulling fucking teeth from a tiger.

The person I’m with is in a similar situation, and has no desire to leave her current relationship. She just has a need that is not being meant at home.

Overall, our society has commercialized, and given us this image of marriage and being a couple that’s not very realistic. Had I the choice, I would at this point prefer an open marriage, or a poly type situation for both of us (Think the showtime show “Poly amorous”)

I know no one will probably read this comment, but I’m sure i’m not alone in this situation.

From user Eat_Pray_Fuck:

It just… happened. I didn’t mean for it to happen, but it did.

We dated for three years in college, and I never strayed. I hardly even looked at another girl. We lived together for the last two years of college. And then we both graduated and moved home. Suddenly we were a long distance relationship… Instead of seeing her every night, I’d see her maybe once a month.

At first it wasn’t that bad. But then she stopped texting me back, or returning my calls. We talked on the phone maybe once a week and that was it. The girl who had been my life, my companion was becoming a stranger. And when I did get to see her, I didn’t even feel like a part of her life. She barely touched me, and I was lucky if we slept together once a month. When we did fuck, it felt like going through the motions. She wasn’t present, she didn’t initiate. It was passionless, robotic.

She would text me to tell me she was going out with ex boyfriends for drinks, but not to worry about it. They were just friends now. And she’d sleep over at her male friend’s houses, but again, they were “just friends.”

I don’t know if she cheated on me. And I don’t want to know.

But then the girl from the apartment next door started coming around. She laughed at my jokes. She told me how much she liked being around me. She would call to check up on me. She made me feel appreciated. One night we had drinks together and I slipped.

I never told my girlfriend. And we never broke up. A year later we’re still together in a passionless long distance relationship.

That’s my story.

And user Obvious_Catch_Near:

I’m glad someone asked, because I’ve felt like getting this off my chest for some time now, but there’s no one I can tell. I’m not currently cheating; this ended about 2 years ago. I was lucky that it ended before I ruined a lot of lives.

I had been married for close to 15 years and had four kids when I met her. She was a friend’s girlfriend, and the four of us (him and her, my wife and I) had all been playing WoW together for about a year when we started hanging out in person. She and I hit it off immediately and we both felt like we were appreciated in a way that didn’t exist in our primary relationships.

We started talking online, outside of the game. We talked about what we thought was missing from our relationships, and for about a month or two it was just getting to know each other. Up till this moment in my life I always believed that cheaters were the worst form of filth. I had friends in the past who had cheated on their wives and girlfriends and they disgusted me. But at this moment I was convinced that the only way for me to be happy was to be with this girl. So I asked her if she’d meet me for a drink some day.

We met a few days later and had a drink. During the course of that meeting I felt myself falling for her. I felt like I would do anything she asked me to. I felt like I was in love in a way that I had never felt before. As we were leaving I kissed her. We texted over that weekend and it became apparent that we both wanted it to become physical. Within a week, it was. I was convinced that I needed to leave my wife and family and be with her. She was 9 years younger than me, and I thought I loved her. I was lying to myself but I was so close to the situation that I didn’t even see it. I couldn’t see it.

I was dumb. I almost lost my family because I was blinded and confused. Leaving would have been the worst mistake of my life, and I’m convinced it would have destroyed lives. We saw each other for over a year, though usually only once or twice a month. The ending was complicated, but the end result is that I was lucky to get out with my family intact. I was weak, and I went after what was new and exciting instead of putting all that energy into fixing what was wrong with my marriage. I don’t recommend it.

We’ve interviewed cheaters before. We’ve asked under what circumstances you’d tell your significant other. We’ve wondered whether it’s even realistic to expect monogamy.

What do you say? Are you currently cheating? Have you cheated in the past? What drove you to do it? Would you do it again? TC mark

image – Shutterstock

January Nelson

January Nelson is a writer, editor, dreamer, and occasional exotic dancer. Her work has appeared on Facebook, …

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