Worst Things To Do On The Internet While Drinking
1. Hate-reading. Drunk hate-reading leads to drunk hate-commenting leads to a tainted Disqus profile and a healthy dose of self loathing.
2. Facebook stalking your crush and accidentally ‘liking’/commenting on something from 9+ months ago.
3. Answering your mother’s email. Do not answer your mother’s email.
4. Looking at an ex’s OKCupid profile when you don’t have ‘browse anonymously’ set.
5. Taking Photobooth pictures of yourself holding a big-ass glass/bottle of wine, which is never as cute as we imagine it to be.
6. Tweeting questions you mean to Google like “why are horses scary?” and “what if this mole is getting bigger???”
7. Listening to embarrassing music on Spotify for all the world to see.
8. Reblogging something on Tumblr from someone you creep instead of the source.
9. Sending fan mail to people who are only marginally more successful than you are and who will never, ever have respect for you, after this.
10. Making a Dashboard lyric your Facebook status.
11. Shopping for clothes when you have no freaking idea what size you are anymore.
12. Accepting all of the friend requests you’d purposely left pending because they included estranged family members and the dude you went on one OKCupid date with in 2009.
13. Hitting ‘send all’ on your Twitter drafts.
14. Re-following or friend requesting your ex because you’re ~oVeR tHe dRaMa~ now.
15. Work. Don’t do work. Don’t email your clients mock-ups, don’t create an extra-curricular Powerpoint for bonus points, don’t open that Google Doc spreadsheet just… don’t.
16. Getting into a YouTube comment war over the merits of Dru Hill’s “In My Bed.”
17. Passive aggressively liking the Tumblr posts of the person who’s banging your ex, just to let them know you’re watching.
18. Commenting on everything that pops up in your Facebook newsfeed, even the vacation photos posted by that kid from high school who lost half of his frontal lobe in a car accident three years ago and definitely, definitely doesn’t know who you are.
19. Emailing your boss to ask for a raise.
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If you’ve gotten this far, you’re curious.
When “Wrecking Ball” inspires your alcohol-fueled evening, it is best to keep it to yourself.
On yet another late-night of schoolwork, my friend mused whimsically: “What if your job was to go on vacation all the time? Like if someone just paid you to do vacations for them?”
The online commentariat trades primarily in snark, discourse’s least valuable commodity. Ostensibly, they like to feel like they’re contributing to “the conversation,” but really, they just want to feel good about themselves by putting others down.