12 Ways I’ve Used #YOLO To Justify My Poor Life Decisions
1. I told a boy that I had a crush on him five minutes after I saw him making out with some girl at a house party. After confessing my true feelings, I lunged at him so we could have a make out session of our own. Surprisingly, it worked. The power of YOLO, you guys!
2. One night recently I went to an ex-boyfriend’s birthday party and waited around until everyone left so I could seduce him. My plan backfired, however, because by the time everyone left, I was so wasted that I ended up just passing out on the couch. The next morning, my ex was like “…” and I was like “…” and we both were like “YOLO.”
3. Anytime I eat after 4 a.m., it’s predicated upon the excuse of “YOLO.” There should be a sandwich at the deli just named “YOLO.” “I’ll take the YOLO to go and, no, I prefer not to talk about it.”
4. Last month, I stayed up till 6 a.m. with a beautiful boy I just met. He was so gorgeous but so, so dumb. I don’t ordinarily do things like that. I don’t just go home with beautiful boys and stay up till 6 a.m. I am a lady, dammit! But, I swear it was the YOLO taking over me. Okay, and maybe like a little bit of the MDMA I ingested earlier in the evening, if you want to be honest, WHICH I DON’T. That night, as he was bringing me to climax, I wanted to scream “YOLO YOLO YOOOOOOO-LOOOOOOOOO!” but I didn’t. Missed opportunity, for sure.
5. Ordering delivery three times in one day. #YOLO.
6. Crying in a dressing room because you went up a size. #YOLO.
7. I quit my job six months ago because I hated it and the florescent lighting was hurting my eyes. I thought that by quitting, it would motivate me to finally follow my dreams or whatever, but so far it’s just been a giant, broke nightmare. I think this was a case of #YOLO gone horribly wrong.
8. “I’ll take the large popcorn. No, medium. No large. No wait, I’m sorry, let’s stick with the medium. And by medium, I mean large.”
9. Deciding to hate myself less and less each day is a definite YOLO inspiration.
10. Not wearing a bra. Always and forever YOLO. I think it invented YOLO actually.
11. Doing foot fetish work for extra money was less of a YOLO moment than it was a “You only live once and during that time you have to have money to eat” kind of thing.
12. I once hooked up with someone dressed as “It’s Pat!” at a Halloween party. I honestly didn’t know what gender they were until we got naked. Luckily, it was a boy and we had some fun. YOLO didn’t exist at the time so I’m not sure if it counts. If you do something that’s very YOLO before YOLO exists, is it really YOLO or just an unwise wasted decision?
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It started with a right swipe, a little green heart. Tinder of course.
Though I acknowledge and appreciate the differences in human experiences, and while your heartbreak is (and always will be) uniquely and completely your own, I must urge you to consider that I have been where you are.
With his hat cocked back, body tilted away from his cane, and right forefinger pointing directly at his audience, Joseph Ducreux commands the attention of those viewing his self-portrait.
I was born in 1990; he was born in 1973. I’m 23; he just turned 40.