25 Things I’m Ashamed I Care About
- Whether Ron and Sam are currently together.
- $1 off on Easy-mac/ Gushers/ Shark Bites/ Capri Sun.
- Whether my high school prom queen has a boyfriend.
- Whether my high school boyfriend has a boyfriend.
- The f-cking awesome vacation you took that week while I was at work, eating canned soup so I could put a pathetic $50 toward my student loan interest payments.
- Who has looked at my LinkedIn profile.
- That your script “got a producer.” What does that even mean?
- My ex-boyfriend’s fiances wedding ring.
- Brunch plans.
- Where you got your Adderall.
- The Winklevii.
- Your inane Twitter page / Klout score / Foursquare mayoral appointments.
- The Justin Bieber concert coming to town in July.
- That Lena Dunham is younger than me.
- That you understand what buying stocks is.
- Your humble-brag online Facebook personality.
- The haircut I just got, which is a cross between Johann Sebastian Bach and the Super Mario character, Toad.
- Every outfit Kate Middleton has ever worn.
- The perfect ass of the girl in my ballet-fit class.
- The Buddha.
- Where are they now: every Saved By the Bell member.
- Whether you think I’m cool or not, you being anyone on the planet.
- My GPA, in comparison with yours.
- My salary, in comparison with yours.
- Pop psychology.
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It started with a right swipe, a little green heart. Tinder of course.
Though I acknowledge and appreciate the differences in human experiences, and while your heartbreak is (and always will be) uniquely and completely your own, I must urge you to consider that I have been where you are.
With his hat cocked back, body tilted away from his cane, and right forefinger pointing directly at his audience, Joseph Ducreux commands the attention of those viewing his self-portrait.
I was born in 1990; he was born in 1973. I’m 23; he just turned 40.