Pros And Cons Of Childhood Halloween Candy
Victory Candy Cigarettes
Pro: Look like a boss
Con: Head shakes and eye rolls from strangers
Push Pop
Pro: Can be saved for later
Con: Leaves a layer of colored spittle on your finger
Ring Pop
Pro: Can pretend to be fancy and/ or the object of someone’s affection
Con: All airs of sophistication are tossed aside while eating due to drooling and accidental gnawing on plastic
Fun Dip
Pro: Enough sugar to last you three days
Con: Temptation to eat white, chalky sticks before finishing off the “fun dip” difficult to ignore
Bazooka Joe
Pro: Comics
Con: Loses flavor after ~3 seconds
Candy Buttons
Pro: Eating them takes so long that you feel a sense of accomplishment upon completion
Con: 25% of what you’re consuming is paper
Gobstoppers
Pro: Rewarding, chewable center
Con: Dangerous
Pez
Pro: Get to keep the dispenser as a souvenir
Con: Get to keep the dispenser as a souvenir
Pop Rocks
Pro: Classmates fawn over you when they’re in your mouth
Con: Head explodes if mixed with soda
Smarties
Pro: Fun to crush and ingest via nasal cavity
Con: Size/ weight of individual Smarties always left you wanting more
Cow Tails
Pro: Creamy ass center
Con: Only seems appropriate after Little League baseball games
Tootsie Rolls
Pro: Universally accepted currency among classmates; the exciting event of coming across the flavored ones
Con: Become unacceptably hard after a certain period of time
Tootsie Pops
Pro: The special star you can find on the wrapper redeemable for a free Tootsie Pop
Con: The special star’s all hype — pretty sure it counts for nothing
Fireballs
Pro: Exciting
Con: The searing tongue pain
Warheads
Pro: Incredibly exciting
Con: Elicits tears, makes your friends call you a wimp
Candy Corn
Pro: Creamy, delicious, succulent ass candy corn
Con: Classmates and friends mob you for it
Red Vines
Pro: Easy to share
Con: It’s licorice