Thought Catalog
June 14, 2017

I Still Don’t Understand Why You Had To Leave, You Should Have Stayed With Me

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Ben White

I want to start this by saying sorry. I apologize for being so immature and rude to you. My words were harsh and you didn’t deserve them. I am in no position to question your choices because it is your life after all. I’m sorry, I really am. I do know that you understand what made me say those things. But if you don’t, here they are. Here are the reasons why I got mad at you and I’m not proud of them, but here I am hoping you’d still get me.

I got mad because I felt like I wasn’t worth staying for. I had this feeling that you didn’t love me enough to fight at all costs. I wanted you to stay so bad because my biggest fear was you not being around. I thought you were selfish. I thought you didn’t care what would happen to me. I thought that all you cared about was escaping the pain you were going through.

You leaving made me question my worth. Every time someone would replace me or leave me I would consider it as a justification that I am not worth staying for. That I am not anyone’s ‘reason’ because I wasn’t a good enough reason for you.

I know this thought is twisted and I know you expected more from me. But, I just had this perception of myself that maybe I am not special or important enough to make someone not want to leave anymore. I had this thought because the most important person in my life left me. You left me.

I got mad because we had so many plans, but I had to go through each stage of my life without you around. You should’ve been there for me, I thought. You promised you would be and I got so mad because you left me hanging.  I had to experience my first love and heartbreak without anyone to tell me what dress would make me pretty or that I shouldn’t cry because I’m worthy to be loved. I had to experience awkward physical changes not knowing how to handle them because you weren’t there to teach me how to deal with them. I had to face girl fights and friendship dramas wishing you were there to assure me that you’re on my team no matter what. I experienced realizing that I was different from other girls. I liked things that most girls didn’t. I preferred activities that most girls don’t enjoy.

At a point in my life I felt like I was doing something wrong because I wasn’t ‘girl’ enough. How I wish you were there to tell me that choosing not to be a damsel in distress does not diminish my identity as a girl. It sucked seeing my friends go shopping with their moms during weekends because I remember how much we loved the mall. On my high school graduation I still searched for you in the crowd, thinking that maybe God will allow you to come back even just for a day. My 18th birthday was the saddest day of my life and I was so mad at you because you were supposed to throw a big party for my debut. But you weren’t there.

I want to go home and see you again on the sofa lying down, waiting for me. I want you to text me. I want you to call and check up on me. I want to go on food dates with you again. I got so mad at you because I felt like you were so unfair. All these things could’ve been possible if you chose to stay, I thought.

Are you happy now? Is where you are now really a better place to be? Is it better there than here with me? I know I’m not an ideal person. I am no one’s dream or wish. But weren’t you happy here with me? With us?

I know I don’t have much to offer. But, I need you and I thought that you wouldn’t let me down. Sometimes I wonder when you look down from there and you see me, don’t you feel sad that you left? Have you ever asked God why? I still ask God why, even if you stressed that I shouldn’t question him because He knows what He is doing. But didn’t you tell Him that you wanted to see us grow up? That you had to be here because you’re the only one I got? Do you tell God about me? Do you cry when you see me break down because I don’t want to live anymore? Do you get sad too when she asks about you? She was so young when you left. Did you get mad at God? Or do you agree with His plan of you leaving too soon?

I could have sacrificed everything. I could have left everything if that was what it took to make you choose me. You should’ve told me because I would have dropped everything for you. I just felt betrayed and I feel like I’m the only one left who’s sad about this.

But I also know that in every choice you make, you think critically before making it. Maybe the reason why I got so mad in the first place is because I thought that I could be your reason to stay. I thought that you’d still want to live because you knew I’ll always take your hand through this cruel life. I’m sorry if I thought too highly of myself. I’m sorry if I assumed that your love for me was greater than this world’s chaos. I’m sorry if I thought that my tears and pleads were enough to make you tell God that you don’t want to go yet.

I’m going to end this by telling you that I still don’t understand why. I thought I did back then and I apologize if I’m letting you down because of this. If heaven is really where you belong now, if it is where you’re supposed to be now, then I promise to strive to understand.

Help me understand, Mom. TC mark