How To Have The Perfect Holiday Party
By Jana Eleanor
Have it be a big awesome deal. Make it into a reunion. Invite people on facebook who you know live in other cities and encourage them to crash on the couch. Invite people you run into at CVS on the day of the party. Invite your parents to stop by. Tell everyone to look Holiday Fancy.
Don’t stress about it. Here’s a secret about throwing parties: all people want is a place to go where there will be the following things: A) booze, B) music, and C) lots of other people. OK, bonus for there also being snacks. No one cares if the house is immaculate. If there aren’t millions of decorations, no one is going to immediately walk out upon arrival — yes, even at a holiday party. Just be sure you have music and booze and then spend the rest of your time planning your outfit. Relax. A happy, relaxed host will make the party better than any amount of garlands ever could.
Oh but also, it does help to live in a relatively crappy apartment. Don’t have neighbors who go to bed early. And don’t have nice things.
On the day of the party, clean a little but not a lot. Play Christmas music while cleaning to help build excitement. Go out and buy the following supplies: a new pair of tights (let’s be real: all your tights have runs in them), chips and salsa and crackers and cheese, and tons of booze. Around 2 p.m., spend an hour napping. Shower at 4. Don’t get ready too early — believe me, you have plenty of time and walking around in your party outfit from 5 to 10 can really kill the mood.
Welcome out of town guests heartily. Do not worry about where they will sleep. You have a couch, you have a big bed, your roommate has a big bed: they’ll be fine. Also, please remember that by the time sleeping happens, no one is going to give a shit where they end up. They are going to pass out all over the place, and it won’t matter if you’ve laid out air mattresses or put chocolates on pillows; they’ll probably be face down in a box of dominoes anyway. Just welcome them into the house with a hug, throw their snowy coats in the closet, and hand them a drink.
Have one friend who is really good with the cops. Listen: everyone needs to have this friend. This friend should be the ULTIMATE people person, and she should be able to smooth things over with a police officer in any and all states of inebriation. She should be able to tell them things will be fine — and have them believe her and wish her a good night — even if she is half naked. Make sure she comes to the party. Make sure she’s ready to go.
On the day of the party, around 11 a.m., send out a Facebook message to everyone who’s RSVP’d to the event. Say something like “YO WE ARE GONNA BE DANCING HERE MERRY CHRISTMAS I JUST TOOK A SHOT ALREADY JK OR AM I JK COME TO THE PARTY TO FIND OUT!” This will increase excitement amongst your expected guests, who will then be more likely to come and bring random friends. (As a side note, don’t actually take a shot that early in the day. You’re gonna have a sweet party, but you’re still way too old for that shit.)
Eat a strategic early dinner. It should be around 6:30 and it should be something hearty, like a bunch of pizza or pasta or a burger. Carb up, but do it early enough that it all settles before you have to get dressed. Appropriate pre-party eating is an art: master it. Your ability to do so will have a profound effect on the rest of the night.
Don’t worry if no one shows up until 10. Of course no one is going to show up until 10! During the two hours when almost no one is there, play card games and hang up Christmas lights that you forgot to hang earlier. It’s fine if you only make it halfway through the string and the rest of it ends up in a big heap – it will still look cool and, as mentioned previously, no one will care.
At 10, watch the floodgates open. Start drinking. Start dancing. Somehow be in the hallway and then the kitchen and then hugging someone in the bathroom. Give your parents a drunk tour of the apartment when they actually do show up as you semi-seriously encouraged them to do. Introduce them to people. When they leave, make out with someone. Take your heels off for half hour periods and then keep putting them back on. Tell people secrets. Dance until you can dance no more.
The next morning, revel in all of the friends who are sleeping all over the place. Go out for coffee and bagels. Come back and collapse in a mound and watch movies and order chinese food as soon as the bagels have settled. Be simultaneously supremely hungover and supremely cozy. Play some more Christmas-y tunes as it starts to get dark. Re-live the party through pictures. Congratulations! Your holiday party was bangin.
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