5 Things To Do When They Break Up With You Two Days Before Christmas

“J dropped me today, FYI.”

That was the text I woke up to from my brother this morning. My response?

“…two days before Christmas?”

Seriously, who does that? They’d been dating for three years and while she’s always been an emotional roller coaster I’d thought they’d finally found an equilibrium especially since they moved in together. Apparently not and, while I know he’s hurting right now, getting dumped two days before Christmas has to be the closest thing in the world to God stepping down, taking you to coffee, and saying “kid, this one ain’t the one. You can do better” because anyone who would do such a thing absolutely does not love you. If it’s so important to them to get away from you during this time of the year and to make that definite split, if they can’t hold it back, then they do not love you and they never loved you.

I really hope it never does but if this happens to you then what you’ve got to do is get a plan and put it into action. Some of that has to be self reflection since you are now a person who gets dumped two days before Christmas. You are a person that someone else could not wait to get away from (even though you had planned to cook the entirety of your significant other’s family’s Christmas dinner and now you’re uninvited). Here’s some suggestions from a big brother.

Vitamin D and Lots of It

It’s already gray as Purgatory outside and now you’re single…while still temporarily living with the person who dumped you…in their place. You want to go out and buy Vitamin D in 1,000mg pills and be religious about taking it. You should have been doing it anyway but this will absolutely keep your increasing depression from reaching the tipping point it very well could reach. And, when you actually do start getting over this then it will act as rocket fuel in the ascent of your mood.

Do Not Stay at the House by Yourself

When I spoke to him, my brother told me he was just going to go out and buy a Turkey and cook it by himself then open his presents from his Mother who lives in Florida. What? No. No! Do not do this! This is insane! I just know he’s going to get drunk and then flip out when she gets back from her parent’s house. No, you are coming out with me and we are drinking Nog and Rum and watching ALL of the Harry Potter movies on the TV in our parent’s basement! Accept all invitations! Flee!

Do not let them destroy the season that you’ve been so eagerly awaiting.

Do Not Refer to Them as Your Friend

They (in this case, she) are not your friend. No friend would ever destroy their friend’s whole world and then say “hey, want to hang out?” No, get the hell out of there. Unfriend, unfollow, burn things, throw things out, delete numbers, do all of it. It’s over. They are not your friend. They do not like you. They do not respect you. They can go to hell.

Move to Another City

I’m not even kidding. This is your chance to make that big move. Want to move to Seattle and experience a near Atlantean amount of humidity and rain? Do it. Want to move to the Dominican Republican and work in the tourism industry? Do it. Do whatever you want because this is your chance to get out from under their geographical sphere of influence and revisit all those great ideas you had but delayed because of them and their “I don’t really like other places” way of thinking. It’s not you, it’s them.

Start Dating

This isn’t one of those kinds of break ups that you should mope over or sit around and wonder what went wrong. Anyone that would break up with anyone two days before Christmas is clearly the child of the Devil. You have been deceived. Nothing you knew was real and there’s no point in trying to glean some sort of lesson for the future out of it beyond “watch more for signs of evil.” Seriously though, you can’t mitigate this level of disrespect beyond taking an oath that, from now on, you will only get into relationships with people who clearly respect you. In this case, getting out there and having a make out session with someone you like is a good thing and rebounds be damned.

And for the record? I never liked her. Don’t do this to anyone. At least have the decency to wait until the second week of January.