December 29, 2012

Thoughts Of A Horny Gay American Watching A Full Length French Porno While Studying Abroad In Germany On Christmas

Report This Article
What is the issue?

Thoughts Of A Horny Gay American Watching A Full Length French Porno While Studying Abroad In Germany On Christmas

1:37 a.m. Opening to a deer in the grass in a filter I think I recognize from Instagram.

1:38 a.m. Why is there a guy with a gun? Oh god, don’t shoot the deer.

1:39 a.m. A bunch of boys dressed in white are running through fields of grass. Three… four… no, five. Are they Indian? Why are they wearing turbans? I thought this was French.

1:39 a.m. Man with gun takes aim at deer, takes shot… oh fuck. Killed a French Arab boy in white instead.

1:40 a.m. Barefoot guy walking through what looks like middle earth? Is this The Hobbit?

1:41 a.m. Showing helicopter shots of French countryside. There’s a girl on a horse…. Is this directed by Peter Jackson?

1:42 a.m. Awww yeah. Finally. Uncut French boy peeing. Not my thing but whatever. At least it’s a schlong.

1:42 a.m. How do you say penis en francais?

1:42 a.m. The guy has two pee streams coming out. I thought I was the only one who did that! Damn it’s hard peeing into a toilet.

1:43 a.m. Googled ‘penis’ in French. Pënis or verge. I wonder what French people would say? Un petit Pënis? Un grande Pënis? Why didn’t I take French?

1:44 a.m. Peeing boy just got some money from the chick riding a horse. That was nice of her.

1:45 a.m. Lisping catholic priest is yelling at the peeing boy. Took his money. Bummer. Also, pretty sure they just said euro. Even though this movie looks like it’s set in the 30s…. how long has the euro been around? Damn anachronisms.

1:46 a.m. Losing initial chubby.

1:48 a.m. Peeing boy knocks on door. An Arab dude answers. I don’t understand. Is this French or Middle Eastern? Also, are they going to fuck? It’s been 10 minutes.

1:48 a.m. Old ugly French Madame (resembling Madame Thenardier from Les Miserables — the play, not Helena Bonham Carter) scolds peeing boy for being dirty. This movie has too many girls in it. Total boner kill.

1:49 a.m. Arab dude fetches water for an outdoor bath while the peeing boy chows down? Hmm… bath. Sounds good to me.

1:50 a.m. Ugly Madame says something to the peeing boy. He says something and she laughs while rubbing her tummy seductively. Weird.

1:51 a.m. Arab dude undresses peeing boy. Family servant? Bath time. Priest gives instructions to Arab dude. Naked peeing boy looks embarrassed. Arab dude giving peeing boy sponge bath… My physical reaction is… good.

1:53 a.m. Family servant is being very… thorough… with bath.

1:54 a.m. Priest is looking on through the bushes…. What a surprise?

1:55 a.m. After a little resistance, peeing boy is fully erect. Get it, Arab dude.

1:56 a.m. Priest joins them from afar. They’re all the same.

1:56 a.m. Chubby back.

1:57 a.m. Priest puts his junk away, scolds Arab dude, and stalks away. Water gets poured on peeing boy. He looks like Rihanna from “Umberella.” Bath time over — anticlimactic.

1:57 a.m. Priest talks to caretaker of animals. “Wie chaud.” I think that means it’s hot. Caretaker leads him to a bucket of water in a barn. Priest takes a sip and caretaker cops a feel. Priest gets undressed. I wonder how much those long johns cost?

1:58 a.m. Things get serious.

1:59 a.m. Caretaker goes down. Operatic French music plays. This is way better than the fake club music of American porn.

2:01 a.m. I wonder how the caretaker got a perfect thong tan line while taking care of the horses?

2:02 a.m. Does it hurt to fuck on straw? Why did the Priest just spit on the other guys face? God complex.

2:05 a.m. “Oui” has got to be the hottest way to say YES!!! It just slips off the tongue.

2:06 a.m. Did they have condoms in the 30s? Whatever. Go safety!

2:06 a.m. Well that was quick… Priest you better take care of your caretaker friend…

2:08 a.m. Round two. All is forgiven, father. WAIT! Is that a tragus piercing? Not in the catholic church I know!!

2:10 a.m. Caretaker finishes. MAIS OUI!!

2:11 a.m. Opera music resumes. Caretaker and Priest take naked nap on bale of hay. That’s nice.

2:11 a.m. Priest dusts off cross necklace. Awk-sauce.

2:12 a.m. Other priest sets the table. I’m hungry.

2:13 a.m. Peeing boy does confession in what looks like a bedroom. I think he’s confessing his bath experience. Different Priest (“mon pére”) starts jerking off. Shameless!

2:14 a.m. Did he just say “putain”? Favorite French word ever.

2:15 a.m. Where do these priests get their undergarments? Seriously. I would kill for some long underwear like that.

2:17 a.m. Let’s just say this is NOT peeing boy’s first time.

2:17 a.m. Awkward shot of crucifix.

2:18 a.m. Bed was seriously built for a hobbit. Also, priest topping.

2:20 a.m. Organ music plays. Mon pére and peeing boy just going at it like rabbis.

2:20 a.m. Meant to type rabbits.

2:21 a.m. They both finish laying on the floor quite separated from each other. Odd.

2:22 a.m. Apparently French dudes like to play with and eat their own jizzum.

2:22 a.m. Giggled at word jizzum.

2:23 a.m. First priest almost walks in on them snoozing on the floor. Luckily, due to their AWESOME long johns, they get dressed in time. Close call.

2:23 a.m. Mon pére gets scolded by first priest for being sloppily dressed… I think. Mon pére gets kicked out.

2:25 a.m. First priest fucks peeing boy. Like I said, not a virgin.

2:26 a.m. Cat rubs up against the feet of Priest fucking peeing boy. That’s awkward.

2:30 a.m. Having trouble distinguishing between moans and words…. Français!

2:30 a.m. Pop. Pop. Pop. Sounds like “Lollipop” by Lil Wayne… pop. Pop.

2:30 a.m. Did you know Lil Wayne has a house in green bay, Wisconsin!? Holler at the Green Bay Packers!

2:31 a.m. Not sure if they’re doing p90x yoga or 69ing…

2:33 a.m. Priest — “mais oui.” Organ music resumes. Priest looks satisfied.

2:33 a.m. Peeing boy got blue balled!

2:34 a.m. Caretaker gets visit in the night from “mon pére.” I’m really into caretaker’s ‘stache. Not sure if I’m gonna be able to hold off my finish.

2:35 a.m. Cinematography similar to Paranormal Activity.

2:35 a.m. Make out sesh. Clothes on. This is nice.

2:37 a.m. French lips are out of this world.

2:38 a.m. Knock on door. Hunter? Nope. Arab dude delivering wine.

2:38 a.m. They cheers “pour sex.” Arab dude joins. Things heat up.

2:38 a.m. So stoked about brown guy in this scene. Mmm…

2:38 a.m. Just throwing out a guess. Caretaker going to bottom?

2:40 a.m. Priest = pencil dick.

2:40 a.m. They move from bed to floor. Obviously, hobbit beds are not made for a ménage a trois.

2:41 a.m. If Arab guy bottoms, I’m going to be pissed

2:42 a.m. Glad my parents left me uncut.

2:42 a.m. Also glad my parents had the right to DECIDE to leave me uncut.

2:43 a.m. Caretaker gets blue balled. Nobody bottoms. Bummer.

2:43 a.m. Four dudes sneak into original room of priest and start stealing stuff? Only four minutes left.

2:43 a.m. What kind of fucked up ending is this? This best not be a typical French movie ending. Finna be pissed.

2:44 a.m. Priest wakes up. Grabs whip. Four dudes are fucked… metaphorically, not physically. Four dudes escape.

2:45 a.m. Four dudes run into field, priest soon follows.

2:45 a.m. FIELD FROM THE BEGINNING! OMG! One of them is going to get shot.

2:45 a.m. Guy with gun walks into field. Peeing boy trips in some mud.

2:46 a.m. Gun fired. Arab dude falls down. Omg. This is the most intense porno I’ve ever watched. I’M NOT FINISHED JERKING IT!!! DON’T MAKE ME CRY!!

2:46 a.m. Confirmed. Man down. Not Arab. Priest. Confirmed. Priest has been shot in the heart by hunter. Fade to black.

2:47 a.m. Four dudes (Arab dude, peeing boy, caretaker, mon pére) run through the forest, seemingly carefree about priest with whip’s death. Credits roll.

2:49 a.m. Try to finish myself off by watching scene in barn. Can’t concentrate because it’s the scene with the now dead priest. Sad.

2:50 a.m. Get over the sadness and come to terms that these are the two most attractive people in the film (apart from Madame).

2:53 a.m. Mis-timed my climax. Dead guy cums about 45 seconds after. Bummer.

2:55 a.m. Ugh. Fear of contracting UTI overcomes laziness.

I’m looking forward to prospects of getting laid in Paris over New Years. TC mark

image – Shutterstock
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 72,488 other followers