Everyone Who’s On Gchat On A Friday At 4:16 PM
- A girl I met with for coffee when I was job-hunting.
- A girl whose apartment (near Columbia) I went to see sometime in 2010. She seemed cool but was moving out to live with her cousin. I occasionally Google her.
- My friend Bryan.
- This girl I once met for coffee when I was looking for a roommate. She wanted to live on the Upper West Side and neither of us really followed up and that was that. Later, I found out she worked at the same company as a friend, and that the friend found her overly earnest at first (whatever that means) but eventually liked her. I think she left New York.
- This girl who was a year behind me at the college newspaper and who was kind of at the center of that whole “crowd,” such as it is. I’ve never actually gchatted with her but I sometimes respond to her tweets and in my head I think we would be friends if we lived in the same city. A close friend of mine had a class with her in college and told me she used to wear tearaway pants to class, and either once or habitually ripped them off in a manner my friend found uncouth.
- I actually don’t remember who this girl is. Someone from college.
- My coworker who I’ve never gchatted with (maybe we’re not “there” yet?). I suspect she is a better employee than me and is not chatting all day.
- A friend who is honestly more a friend of a friend.
- A former boss from an internship who I emailed a few months ago to pitch something that I never followed up on. I feel guilty about that.
- A guy who was in my screenwriting class senior year.
- A guy who was on the staff of the college magazine with me.
- Another former boss with whom I’ve been bad about keeping in touch/have weird hang-ups about talking to.
- Girl who I knew in college and still see around, but am not really friends with. You’d think we would be, but we live these weird parallel lives. Once freshman year I asked her to trade 25 cents of non-quarter coins for a quarter and she just gave me the quarter, which was nice.
- My friend Forrest.
- My friend Hillary.
- A friend who I’ve never really broken the gchat barrier with.
- A co-worker who I’m not sure if I’m “real friends” or just “work friends” with.
- A girl who was two years behind me at the college newspaper. She’s a reporter and for the past year or so her statuses have been like little postcards from the campaign trail. I don’t recall ever speaking to her and I don’t know when we would have ever been in e-mail contact, but I bet she knows who I am, because I was a senior when she was a sophomore and that’s how these things work.
- Friend who I’m in constant dialogue with.
- Someone I used to be reasonably friendly with, and would occasionally gchat, but who I haven’t seen in a while and, in a fit of guilt over that, recently texted.
- My friend’s little sister.
- Guy from the college newspaper who now has a job actually making money and isn’t really a part of my “scene.” A few months ago he creeped me out by checking out my online dating profile, but it actually makes karmic sense, because once for a story he helped me put together an online sex survey, and I totally read his results.
- Girl from college who freshman year let me borrow a scarf, which I promptly lost.
- Girl I was sort of friendly with senior year of college, in a say-hello-when-I-saw-her-at-the-library sort of way.
- This blogger who I used to really admire and would sometimes see around. A few months ago, though, I saw her smoking, and it totally brought down my estimation of her.
- Guy I had a class with senior year. We had to make a video together and I had this episode, almost an exact repeat of something that happened in 7th grade, where I couldn’t stop laughing for an extended period of time. Yeah, I guess I had a crush on him.
- Girl from the college newspaper.
- Guy from college I became friendly with, weirdly, through Twitter.
- Girl whose tiny East Village apartment I went to see in 2010.
- Girl who recently e-mailed me to “network.”
- Somewhat infamous girl from college who recently relocated to New York.
- My friend Aura.
- This girl I interned with a few years ago who I wish I had stayed friends with.
- Girl who I’m jealous of because, well, this is mean, but she never seemed particularly special in college, but now has a really cool job and a seemingly fun life.
- Guy from college who I ran into at a restaurant recently. We were friendly circa my sophomore year but now everyone (well, not everyone, but me and at least one friend) agrees he’s aloof and doesn’t put forth enough effort in conversation.
- Girl I once did a group project with, in college. She was on student government and really good at public speaking and dividing up tasks and all those things that can make someone seem really on top of things and competent in a way I never feel I am.
- Guy from the college newspaper who was just really into being on the college newspaper staff. We gchatted on a near-daily basis in summer 2007 out of pure boredom.
- This girl who always wanted to write for the school magazine but no one would let her because she was a bad writer.
- Girl from the college newspaper who I always thought was awesome, but other people’s lack of enthusiasm for her has dampened mine.
- Friend of a friend.
- Girl from college who I once had a mean e-mail exchange with.
- Guy from my screenwriting class senior year. We’re also Facebook friends and in some of his pictures he now has this really thin mustache.
- Guy I worked on the college magazine with, and who I have residual bad feelings about never being very nice to. He once mispronounced “Syosset” in a way that made clear he was pretty unfamiliar with Long Island, and for some reason it kind of broke my heart.
- No idea who this person is.
- Girl who I once emailed about seeing an apartment, but never actually met. I follow her Tumblr.
- Potential employer who once gave me an assignment and, when I responded, disappeared. I later heard she got fired and had an eating disorder, not necessarily in that order.
- Friend who I never really talk to anymore.
- Friend who lives in LA.
- Girl who was on a spring break trip with me senior year.
- Girl from college who everyone except me loved.
- Girl from college who once e-mailed me to hear about my “internship experience.”
- Friend of a friend who is becoming a real friend but who I haven’t quite been able to sustain a conversation with, yet.
Plus all the invisible people.
A | A | A
You break it to them as softly as can. They immediately beg you to stay.
As much as I appreciate someone telling me to keep my chin up when going through a hard time, I’m fairly certain I’d rather them let me punch dance out my rage in their backyard.
At their biological core, men are ruled by sexuality. They identify potential mates using their eyes first, while women take a more complicated approach.
You probably thought I was going to recommend Orange Is The New Black but I’m not.