I’m The ‘Perpetually Single Girl’ — And Honestly, It Kind Of Sucks

I’ve never been in a serious relationship.

There I said it.

It may be sad but it’s the truth. It just hasn’t happened for me. I guess you can say I’ve been close, but I can’t seem to make it past about a month with a guy. This being said I’ve always been single; single on prom, single at weddings, single for it all. This also means that I’ve never brought anyone home to dinner to meet the folks, I’ve never changed my status on Facebook to anything other than single, I’ve never carved a boy’s initials next to mine into a tree and I’ve never gotten a heart necklace from a guy.

I’ve never even uttered the words, “This is my boyfriend.” (Other than when I’m trying to avoid a creepy guy at a bar.)

Never ask a perpetually single girl why she’s still single. Instead maybe ask her out, I don’t know, she probably doesn’t have a date for Friday night. In all seriousness, where do you get off asking someone why they’re still single? Like it’s their fault they’re single. When someone asks me, “Why are you still single?” what I really hear is, “What the hell are you doing that makes all the men run and hide?”

One, getting a boyfriend isn’t everyone’s main goal in life. Two, love life is personal, maybe think before you ask. And three, I don’t go up to you and ask, “Why are you still in a relationship?”

So leave us goddamn single people alone.

Let’s talk about “third wheeling.” If you are a perpetual single girl you know it well. If you are a perpetual relationship girl, thank you for sloppy kissing your boyfriend in front of me, it didn’t make me feel uncomfortable at all. If you have no idea what third wheeling is, get out from under your rock and listen up. Third wheeling is when one person tags along with a couple, making that single person the third wheel, the unnecessary part to a bicycle that’s rolling along smoothly without you.

Don’t get me wrong I’ve encountered the “cool couple,” where hanging out with them is just like hanging out with a couple of friends. Let me just say from personal experience this is a rare find. More than likely you will have to endure hand holding, cuddling, lap sitting and make out sessions. You’re probably going to have to endure weirder shit too, but I won’t go into that.

I’ve gone through phases of liking being single and hating being single. Mainly hating being single, because I’ve always been single and it seriously sucks. A lot of my friends ask me for relationship advice, like I would know anything about the intricate details of how to make a relationship last (see: I can’t seem to make it past about a month with a guy). This is where my “I like being single” phase comes into play. One of my friends is in a relationship that could be described as “unhealthy.” (Side Note: never say anything of the sort to this friends face about that.)

She tells me about the problems she’s had with him, including but not limited to; him texting other girls, him lying to her, drug abuse, etc. I help her get through it like any good friend would but I can’t help but take the time to reflect on my own life. Thank the lord I don’t have to deal with any of that crap. I don’t have to deal with giving my trust to someone who may or may not abuse it.

My other friend is going through what can be referred to as a “life changing” breakup with a girl he’s been dating forever and currently lives with. The pain he is experiencing right now is something, I personally, cannot fathom. And for that I am happy to be single. I don’t have to worry about anyone but myself, I can do what I want when I want to do it.

That being said being single blows.

The dating apps, the first dates, the sheer terror of being murdered on a first date, the thought-out texts, the lack of sex, the lack of SEX, the always free on friday nights, the late night BuzzFeed quiz sessions answering bogus questions to find out what “your type is,” the lack of a plus one at every social event known to man, the (you’re not suppose to say this, but) loneliness. It’s not always fun being the “independent career driven woman.” This being said, these are my personal feelings, I’m sure there are bad bitches out there who “need no mans,” I’m just not one of them. (Side note: I don’t “need” a man, I’d just like to have one.)

So with all this being said, do I, Jackie Brettschneider, want a boyfriend? Sure, why not, it’d be nice. Yes, I’ve never had a boyfriend but that also means I’ve never been someone’s girlfriend. I’m not sure if I’d even make a good girlfriend. I’m a pretty good friend, I’m loyal, honest and helpful but would that make me a good girlfriend? I couldn’t tell you. Every relationship is so different; it has all these different sets of rules and expectations.

It’s complicated just like being single is complicated.

“Why am I still single?” I guess, it’s because it’s complicated.