A friendship is not something you can give up very easily. Time is funny like that, in that it binds people together despite a lack of common ground. Maybe it’s because I didn’t want to believe I spent that much time on an unhealthy friendship. Maybe it’s because I didn’t want to believe I have been emotionally abused for 10 years without realizing it. But I grew up and I developed my self-esteem. I should have known that any form of self-confidence had no space in this friendship. But I figured out what I deserved; I deserve a better friend.
Nobody should put up with a friend who makes them feel like the worst version of themselves. Nobody deserves a friend who constantly brings you down every chance she gets. Nobody deserves a friend who makes you keep your dates to yourself in fear that she will feel even worse about her perpetual singledom. That is not a friend, and it certainly is not a best friend, no matter how much time you have spent together. So I left. Your 20s is a time of discovery and a time of change, a time when things fall apart and come together. It is not a time to hold on to something that holds you back. So I dropped the dead weight and I walked away.
It was not so much of a “walking away” as it was a “stomping away and slamming the door”. I could have handled it better. I would have done well to hold my tongue at some points in the argument. I said things that could not be unsaid and you dismissed it all as another rant I decided to occupy myself with this week. All I needed was an apology. I did not get it, so I witnessed the end of a ten-year friendship. The end of us.
Leaving a friend is not so much different from breaking up. I am always the last to forget. I am always the last person to move on. I worry about you. I ask about you all the time. I meet your family in random places and they do not seem to know that we don’t talk anymore. I worry you don’t have anyone to talk to. I wonder if you’re alright. I wonder if you miss me at all. I wonder if you feel lonely and I wonder if you ever wish you could talk to me. Because I do.
And after three months, I am still waiting for the apology because despite knowing that I am better off without you, I still care a hell of a lot.