Thought Catalog
January 11, 2017

The Ultimate Breakup Guide (That Actually Works) So You Can Move On Already

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Roman Kraft
Roman Kraft

Some of you won’t have that perfect V-Day celebration you anticipated come February. Others of us are just coming out of serious relationships so close to the day of love. And then there’s the truly brokenhearted… the ones who are still battling having their heart broken after all this time. Ladies, this simple DIY Breakup Kit is definitely something to consider.

Although I’m not terribly down in the dumps about my recent breakup, it still hurts and brings about a little somberness with Valentine’s day approaching so quickly. I’m comfortable creating a breakup survival kit for myself, but if you’re not the one suffering also consider making this for someone who is. We all know one of our friends is going to find out about their honey’s side chick we’ve all been warning her about. As a good friend, we’ve got to be there to catch her when she falls. So here’s how we’re going to do it and why we need each part of our survival kit.

1. Wine. This is a definite. To be honest, depending on the severity of the breakup it’s totally fine to replace the wine for vodka. The key to trading wine for liquor is that you CANNOT drink neither the wine nor the vodka by yourself. There must be some form of a ‘man bashing party’ or ‘girls night’ environment as to protect you from your drunk feelings and any occurrences of drunk texting or falling for his bullshxt once again.

2. Chick flicks. You need to remind yourself of what’s out there. You need to remind  yourself of what you’re worth to the man who’s out there looking for you just as much as you’re out there looking for him. You  need to remind yourself of what you deserve. It’s also healthy for letting some of those tears out as long as you’re crying with the movie and not wasting your tears on him. It’s also great to choose a chick flick that is simultaneously humorous. We can never have too much laughter during our time of heartbreak.

3. Kleenex. The tears are going to come. It’s only normal. It’s okay to mourn the death of your relationship [if it’s worth it]. Get your girls together and let them know you need their support. Give yourself two hours tops to release your tears, then have yourself a drink and get him out of your system.

4. ‘Better off without you’ mixtape. I know we’re more prone to playlists on our iPhone these days, but however you organize your music. Prepare your favorite “I’m over you”, “I’m better off without you”, “You’ll regret leaving me”, “You can be replaced”, “Girl power”, “Get your shxt together” songs on a playlist and listen to it until you begin to feel the way the music is telling you to feel. This is a lot more helpful than you might imagine–ESPECIALLY when you pair it with the wine or vodka.

5. Bubblebaths and candles. This alone time is an absolute must. I do not recommend that you pair it with any alcohol intake UNLESS you are someone who embraces there emotions and doesn’t lather in self pity. Otherwise that is a sure recipe for disaster. A candlelit bubblebath should bring you peace. It should be a time to reflect on what happened and fall deeper in love with yourself. It should allow you to spend time with you and to love on yourself. I recommend pairing it with any music that allows you to appreciate yourself and feel sexy. For me, anything Ron Isley or Erykah Badu would suffice just fine.

6. Makeover Kit. This can be as simple or extensive as you’d like. You can do it at the house with the girls or you can take yourself to the nail shop, spa, salon, or all of the above. We all know the things that get us in that “Damn, I look good” state of mind. Whatever that is for you, do it and do it FAST. Remind him of what he let go of. Eat your heart out, bastard.

7. Comfort food. Now is not the time to think of caloric intake or gaining weight. You’re going to need to snacks. It’s a fact. You can always make healthy choices if you really desire, but whatever you choose just make sure you don’t prepare your breakup survival kit without equipping it with your favorite comfort foods. For me, I’d have to have cubed cheese for my wine. YUM!

8. Chocolate. This is not to be confused with a comfort food. I’m not a fan of chocolate, but I know many of us women cannot seem to live without it. Chocolate is sensual, tasty (to most of you), and should bring you at least a teensy ounce of joy in such a sad time.

9. At least three copies of the ‘DO NOT’ list (for the bathroom mirror, bedroom, and anywhere else you could use the reminder in your times of weakness).

It’s important to realize that although your friends will be with you the first couple days that you’re dealing with this, heartbreak takes a long time to overcome. It’s important to stay away from certain things that will tempt you and ultimately send you in a downward spiral to never getting over him/her.

THE ‘DO NOT BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY’ LIST

Print this list and post it as many places as you’ll need to remind yourself NEVER to do these things while allowing your heart to mend. Remember, when dealing with a broken heart, DO NOT BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY:

1. COMMUNICATE with him/her, until you have come to terms with the breakup and are solid in your feelings of self-worth and self-appreciation. If you’re not strong enough to talk to him/her alone without being swooned or persuaded by their sweet-talk or ‘I miss you’ pleas, DO NOT PICK UP THE PHONE OR ANSWER THE TEXTS. Silence is the best killer anyway.

2. ENGAGE IN ANY SEXUAL ACTIVITY, PERIOD. You’re setting yourself up to never being over the person that broke your heart the very minute you allow them to have your body when they no longer want your mind, heart, and soul. You are giving them complete control over you. This is among one of the most important ‘Do Nots’ out there.

3. HAVE ‘FILLER’ SEX. Filler sex is the sex that you’ll ultimately end up regretting just because you wanted to get back at him/her for breaking your heart or the sex you have to make yourself feel good momentarily. Get a toy, watch a little porn, read a book, make art, write poems–just don’t set yourself up for another mess. You’ll only end up investing feelings into the person you’re screwing for the time being. Don’t annoy your vulnerability. Now is not the time to whip out your little black book.

4. REJECT THOSE WHO APPROACH YOU AFTER THE BREAKUP. You are somebody’s dream girl. Don’t make the man that genuinely does see your worth pay for what the last idiot did to you. Keep your mind open and your legs closed. For a long time–until you are COMPLETELY over the heartbreak. Work on a solid friendship with the next person to approach you because trust me, he is going to approach you once he realizes the idiot was dumb enough to let you go.

5. PRACTICE SELF-PITY. This is VERY important ladies. Even I was guilty of this at one point. When a man is stupid enough to let us go, we have a tendency of trying to identify all the flaws we have or what it was we should have done better in order for him to have stayed. DO NOT DO THIS TO YOURSELF. Some people come into your life for only a season, but EVERYTHING happens for a reason. What’s meant to be will always be. Do not beat yourself up or sulk just because he couldn’t see your value. Instead, lift yourself up and treat yourself every time you get a chance.

Let’s give it a shot ladies. They don’t know what they’re missing out on. If you have any good additions to the Breakup Survival Kit be sure to contribute your idea in a comment below! Cheers to us, girls. TC mark