Thought Catalog
June 9, 2017

All The Reasons Why You Don’t Deserve Me

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What is the issue?
Becca Matimba

I want those strong arms wrapped around my middle. I want that sideways grin that brings a smile to my face. I want those brown dangerous eyes, always switching his focus between me and someone else. Out of all the people I fell in love with, you were the one who I’d picture a life with. Not any life, but the life I’ve always wanted. You were the one that made me feel something that I never felt before. You were the one who made sense.

You were a wish that came true. And then a dream that turned into a nightmare, a disappointment, and a heartache.

I know that you’re not right for me, but I can’t help but long for you. I know my heart wants to fight for you, but you can’t even throw a punch for me. I know you don’t treat me right, I know you fall so short of the love I deserve, yet it’s hard to let you go.

I pretend I don’t notice absentmindedly that you’re scrolling your phone when you’re with me, replying to every text from the women filling up your screen. I stand on the sidelines as you flirt with other women and I watch you playfully kiss and laugh and live as if I don’t exist. I replay past moments on a loop, hating myself for letting you treat me like this, but hating myself even more for giving in to your lies again and again.

You’re comfortable, you’re what I’ve known, and you’re all I want. But you’re not the one I need. Because you’re a man who cannot give your full self to me; you’re a man who can’t commit. You have the potential of being a good person, we all do. But you’re not living up to that kind of a man. I’ve given you chances; I’ve stood by your side and encouraged you to rise. I’ve given myself, over and over, but still I always end up empty.

And it’s finally time to let go.

Because you can’t just text me out of the blue and demand a response. You can’t just call me and expect me to answer when you were never there for me, when you barely even dialed my number. You can’t just smile at me and pretend like nothing happened because it’s easier for you than confronting me or it’s easier realizing that you were a coward. You can’t just forget that you hurt me and caused me pain. Maybe I let you get away with disrespecting me back then, but now times have changed.

I don’t deserve a half-hearted love. I don’t deserve someone who can only promise me pieces and not the whole. I don’t deserve someone who’s walking around investing time in other someone’s. I don’t deserve a man who’s treating me poorly, who hasn’t appreciated what he has, who treats me as if I am something he can disregard when he’s tired or bored.

Honey, I deserve real love and now I don’t think you’re a catch. Now, I don’t give my love to those who don’t appreciate it, and that is you. It’s not on your terms anymore. It’s my turn to miss your call and not call you back and to make you feel like you’re not a priority or a jewel.

It’s not revenge, it’s not bitterness, it’s not resentment, it’s just a normal reaction to someone who took my love for granted, to someone who broke my heart and laughed about it, and someone who made me question my self worth.

That’s what happens when someone breaks your heart and thinks that they just can come back and try to mend it, when someone thinks you’re still the same and you still have the same heart – the heart that finally learned to only love people who don’t disappear, people who can fight for you, people who stick around. TC mark