35 Ways To Be Pretentious
- Google photos of Victoria Beckham and imitate her facial muscles to the best of your ability.
- Shop at boutiques you’re unsure the pronunciation of, like L’Occitane (LOHK-SEE-TAHN).
- Don’t smile.
- Wear your sunglasses at night, when it’s raining, when you’re with someone more important than you.
- Spend $234 on a T-shirt because you saw it in Flaunt Magazine.
- Wear black.
- Look at people with a confused but slightly offended face when they ask you questions.
- Don’t answer questions.
- Walk like you’re Jesus crossing the red sea or Lara Stone walking for Dior.
- Tell people to BBM you.
- Open a pop-up shop with your BFF (best fag forever) and proclaim yourselves the next Raquel Zimmermann and Nick Knight.
- Upload Twitpics of things like truffles behind glass and caption it “Spring is here.” Make sure the price tag is visible.
- When your mother calls you to ask how you’re doing with school and work, say “What? Mother I am on the Metro on my way to meet Julia Restoin-Roitfeld for brioche. Can’t talk.”
- Throw broken French into conversation whenever possible.
- Make sure there is always someone around to laugh at your irrelevant jokes.
- Talk about your favorite current exhibition at the Tate Modern and how Lily Donaldson still has your Balenciaga cuff.
- Never agree with anything.
- Never discuss politics.
- Talk about your latest obsession with Gaspar Noé films and how psychedelic melodramas are the new black.
- When people ask you how you’re doing, respond with a sigh.
- Carry an unopened handwritten letter addressed to you in your bag.
- Make sure the letter peeks out of your knockoff Fendi.
- Throw house parties.
- Cancel half of them the day before because of an impromptu photoshoot with your photographer BFF who works for Fantastic Man.
- Spontaneously roadtrip to LA to see Liam Gallagher’s new band play a secret show.
- Convince your wealthiest friend to let you throw your half-birthday party on their roof.
- Tweet about the roof party.
- Always drink your coffee black.
- Surround yourself with people that have accents or names like Volga, Apricot, Felix, or Trick.
- Have 3 signature scents that you rotate between on the daily.
- Spend too much money on candles and business card holders.
- Don’t dance at dance parties.
- Become a muse.
- Have a photo of your nails reblogged over 11,000 times on Tumblr.
- Die before 30.
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“Feminism is for everyone!”
I loved him for the fact that he had hands like Goliath, but I forgot that Goliath falters and is killed
The moment you pick me up from the train station, your eyes flicker down. “You’ve put on weight again.”
I know some other girl out there doesn’t even have to try.