35 Ways To Be Pretentious
- Google photos of Victoria Beckham and imitate her facial muscles to the best of your ability.
- Shop at boutiques you’re unsure the pronunciation of, like L’Occitane (LOHK-SEE-TAHN).
- Don’t smile.
- Wear your sunglasses at night, when it’s raining, when you’re with someone more important than you.
- Spend $234 on a T-shirt because you saw it in Flaunt Magazine.
- Wear black.
- Look at people with a confused but slightly offended face when they ask you questions.
- Don’t answer questions.
- Walk like you’re Jesus crossing the red sea or Lara Stone walking for Dior.
- Tell people to BBM you.
- Open a pop-up shop with your BFF (best fag forever) and proclaim yourselves the next Raquel Zimmermann and Nick Knight.
- Upload Twitpics of things like truffles behind glass and caption it “Spring is here.” Make sure the price tag is visible.
- When your mother calls you to ask how you’re doing with school and work, say “What? Mother I am on the Metro on my way to meet Julia Restoin-Roitfeld for brioche. Can’t talk.”
- Throw broken French into conversation whenever possible.
- Make sure there is always someone around to laugh at your irrelevant jokes.
- Talk about your favorite current exhibition at the Tate Modern and how Lily Donaldson still has your Balenciaga cuff.
- Never agree with anything.
- Never discuss politics.
- Talk about your latest obsession with Gaspar Noé films and how psychedelic melodramas are the new black.
- When people ask you how you’re doing, respond with a sigh.
- Carry an unopened handwritten letter addressed to you in your bag.
- Make sure the letter peeks out of your knockoff Fendi.
- Throw house parties.
- Cancel half of them the day before because of an impromptu photoshoot with your photographer BFF who works for Fantastic Man.
- Spontaneously roadtrip to LA to see Liam Gallagher’s new band play a secret show.
- Convince your wealthiest friend to let you throw your half-birthday party on their roof.
- Tweet about the roof party.
- Always drink your coffee black.
- Surround yourself with people that have accents or names like Volga, Apricot, Felix, or Trick.
- Have 3 signature scents that you rotate between on the daily.
- Spend too much money on candles and business card holders.
- Don’t dance at dance parties.
- Become a muse.
- Have a photo of your nails reblogged over 11,000 times on Tumblr.
- Die before 30.
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Sometimes, all you need to do is pull the trigger on something you’re unsure about. Don’t be afraid to do that, if that’s what it boils down to.
The bravest thing we could do is confront reality as it is.
Somewhere along the line it spread through the stay-at-home-mom circle that Target is the best place to bring your screaming child on a Friday morning, because they are everywhere.
2. After a minute or so of awkward conversation, everyone leaves