What To Say About Miss America If You’re Human Garbage
By Hudson Hongo
Originally invented to trick people into coming to New Jersey against their better judgment, it’s hard to explain why the perennially unwatched Miss America pageant is still on TV without diagnosing ABC with some kind of corporate Stockholm syndrome. Nevertheless, the weirdly anachronistic human contest continues to sashay on, primarily to keep our nation’s struggling tiara-makers in business, but also to give bigots an opportunity to explain Just What’s Wrong With America These Days™. This year their target was Nina Davuluri, the first Indian-American to win the title and also (apparently) “a Arab,” “Miss Al-Qaeda” and a “god damn terrorist 9-11 bitch.”
Understandably, such impressively ignorant statements can take a lot out of person who can barely operate a map or history book, much less something as complicated as a keyboard, so I’ve put together this handy guide I’m calling “A Bigot’s Guide to Future Miss Americas.” It should cover all the tired, racist jokes and blistering, illiterate rage you’ll need for every winner of the contest from now until the time you die bitter and alone, shunned by both your family and society at large. Enjoy!
The first gay Miss America
What to say: Assume that she, as a lesbian, exists in some kind of quantum state in which she both hates men and is one. Talk about pants, jockstraps, and dildos. Remember: As an expert on other people’s sexuality, you’re allowed to speculate about their bedroom practices as much as you want.
Sample tweet: “i thought the contest was for MISS America not MISTER America! #endtimes”
The first plus-size Miss America
What to say: Make sure to use every played-out fat diss that would leave a 3rd grader rolling his eyes. Compare her to classic fat animals like cows or whales, or hipper, “edgier” alternatives like manatees. Decline to reflect on your own difficulties maintaining your ideal body size.
Sample tweet: “I guess it easy 2 win Miss America if you EAT all the competition! #fatpig #fatdisgustingpig #myshirtiscoveredincheetodustandtears”
The first Muslim Miss America
What to say: Demonstrate your solidarity with the victims of 9-11 with jokes about camels, turbans, sand and terrorism. Make at least one elementary error about Middle East geography. Something about Obama.
Sample tweet: “Maybe hussein obummer will help her fit the tiara over that BOMB in her turben”
The first Sikh Miss America
What to say: Demonstrate your solidarity with the victims of 9-11 with jokes about camels, turbans, sand and terrorism. Make at least one elementary error about Middle East geography. Something about Obama.
Sample tweet: “Maybe hussein obummer will help her fit the tiara over that BOMB in her turben”
The first transgender Miss America
What to say: Feign complete ignorance of the basic rules of gender pronouns. Say something strangely impassioned about bathrooms. Also maybe mention beards and say “yuck” a complete times.
Sample tweet: “Yuck! now that he/she/it won #MissAmerica, what will I tell my son about the ladie’s room, it’s for evryone do what feels good???”
Anyone who isn’t a straight, white, Christian under 150 pounds
What to say: I mean, she’s just wrong, right?
Sample tweet: “More like Miss UN-american”