Lonely This Valentine’s Day? Get Yourself An Invisible Boyfriend

Ladies, as you approach this Valentine’s Day without a date, are you prepared to face the shame, humiliation, shock, loneliness, eating-disorder-inducing heartache, and self-esteem-crushing embarrassment of being alone on the one day of the year where ordinary people prove to the world that they’re lovable?

Do you fear telling your Mom and Dad, “No, Mom and Dad, I don’t have a Valentine’s date, and I wish you would stop asking me, Mom and Dad”?

Assuming that you have friends—and playing the odds that all those friends will have Valentine’s dates—are you emotionally equipped to stare into their happy faces that somehow manage to express both a deep pity for you and a smug, smackable sense that the process of evolution has blessed them with a sexual desirability that you will never know nor enjoy?

Are you terrified of dying alone, whether tomorrow or in sixty years?

If so, maybe it’s time for you take a hard look in the mirror and consider getting yourself an Invisible Boyfriend. According to the website where you can sign up and be rewarded with your very own nonexistent male paramour, having an Invisible Boyfriend “gives you real-world and social proof that you’re in a relationship – even if you’re not – so you can get back to living life on your own terms.”

Apparently, “living life on your own terms” involves a dark web of tragic delusion and self-deceit.

Your Invisible Boyfriend will be your very own personalized romantic version of a Tamagotchi.

You get to pick a picture of your Invisible Boyfriend—it’s a picture of a real guy, but he really doesn’t know you and there’s a chance he’d never want to get to know you.

You fill in some blanks on a basic questionnaire and create an entire fake story of how you met this dude who will never kiss you, never fuck you, never send you chocolates in real life.

At a price, you can even have this entirely fictional lover send you text messages that you can show to friends and family that you’re not unattractive or unlovable—you’re just insane.

And on Valentine’s Day, isn’t it ultimately better to be insane than lonely, even if in real life you’re totally alone?