Thought Catalog
June 15, 2017

You Are The Last Person I Ever Thought Would Hurt Me

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I never thought that you would hurt me. I trusted you with my heart, with my secrets, with my skin and my bones.

I trusted you to take care of me, to stay open with me, to tell me when something was bothering you so we could work on fixing it together, side-by-side, the way teammates do.

I never believed that you would slip away from my grasp. That you would decide that… What did you decide? That everything I offered still wasn’t enough? That you needed more than one soul could possibly give you?

I used to look at girls who got cheated on and boys who got left behind and think to myself: They must have brought this pain upon themselves. There must have been red flags waving in front of their faces that they ignored. They must have played a part in their own destruction.

But then you hurt me and I realized how wrong those assumptions were, how ignorant my own thoughts sounded. I suddenly understood that hurt could appear out of thin air, like dark magic.

I understood that the people you let get the closest to you are the ones who can leave the longest lasting damage.

It’s not my first time suffering throughout heartache, of course not. I’ve been hurt in the past by people I already knew were trouble. I expected the disappointment and it still hurt like hell. It still caused my bedsheets to stain with teardrops.

But this? Being betrayed out of the blue? Finding out that the person I considered my best friend did something unforgivable, something that would ruin the relationship and the friendship all at once?

Nothing has ever hurt more than this. No stomachaches or shattered bones could ever compare.

You are the last person I ever thought would hurt me. That’s why I allowed you to get so close. That’s why I deconstructed the barriers around my heart and let you walk through the gates. That’s why I let you watch my lids droop and feel my chest rise and fall on warm summer nights. That’s why I let you into every crevice of my soul.

You are the last person I ever thought would hurt me, and now, I’m unsure of how I will ever trust again. I can imagine future relationships, where I scamper away when things start to get serious. Where I snoop through phone messages and doubt every word that comes from my lover’s lips.

I can imagine the future, where you’re living out your happily ever after with someone new, someone unscarred by your dark heart, while I’m still trying to get over the newfound baggage you brought me. While I’m still fighting to gulp down air.

You are the last person I ever thought would hurt me. And, now, you are the last person I want to see. The last person I want in my life. TC mark

Holly Riordan is the author of
Severe(d), A Creepy Poetry Collection.
Pre-order your copy here.