Thought Catalog
June 19, 2017

I’m Done Apologizing When You’re The One Who Hurt Me

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What is the issue?
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I’m done feeling like I did something wrong.

I shouldn’t have to apologize for my expectations. For hoping that you’ll answer my texts and show up on time and treat me like you actually give a shit about me.

I shouldn’t have to apologize for asking you where you went last night and trying to get a straight answer out of you.

I shouldn’t have to apologize for wanting you to take me out on actual dates instead of only using me for sex.

I shouldn’t have to apologize for getting annoyed that you forgot to text me back.

I shouldn’t have to apologize for loving you. For wanting attention from you. For caring about you above everybody else.

If anything, you should be the one apologizing.

Instead of making me feel guilty over how many questions I ask you, you should apologize for acting so distant.

Instead of making me feel obsessive for texting you ten times in a row, you should apologize for ignoring my first nine messages.

Instead of making me feel crazy about being jealous when you flirt with other girls, you should apologize for leading me on.

It’s not fair for you to turn the situation around on me every damn time.

I shouldn’t feel like I did something wrong when you were the one who lied or cheated or ghosted. I shouldn’t be the one begging for you to give me another chance when you were the one who screwed up in the first place.

I shouldn’t keep coming back to someone like you, who plays the victim instead of admitting your role as the culprit.

You refuse to admit when you’re wrong, even if it’s clear as day to everyone around you. You refuse to say sorry to me — even though I’m constantly saying it to you. Even though I’m always apologizing for bullshit things like being myself.

But now, I’m done apologizing when I didn’t do anything wrong. When I was only trying to make you happy, to create a life alongside you.

But I’m also done trying to convince you to care.

The fact that I love with every inch of my heart, that I give everything I have to offer, isn’t something to be ashamed of. It’s something to be proud of.

It’s something that you should admire about me, not something that you should criticize.

It’s something you should brag to your friends about because my love for you is so strong, not something you should complain about because you don’t want a ball and chain.

Instead of apologizing to you for the hundredth time, I’m going to start apologizing to myself for putting up with you for so long. For lowering my standards to stay with you.

I don’t need someone who only sees my affection as a nuisance. I don’t need someone who makes me feel bad about how much I care. TC mark

Holly Riordan is the author of
Severe(d), A Creepy Poetry Collection.
Pre-order your copy here.