Thought Catalog
March 7, 2017

Here’s Why You Suck At Blowjobs, Based On Your Zodiac Sign

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Aries: March 21st – April 19th

You’re too impatient. If your boyfriend doesn’t finish fast enough, then you get bored. And when you get bored, he can tell and it completely ruins the mood. It’s sexier when you look like you’re excited about what you’re doing. When you stop acting like it’s a chore.

Taurus: April 20th – May 20th

The problem is, you never initiate oral. It only happens when he asks you for it. Or after he goes down on you and you feel like you have to return the favor. If you went down on him randomly, unexpectedly, he’d really appreciate it.

Gemini: May 21st – June 20th

You take experimentation a little too far. Don’t bite him down there. Don’t squeeze his testicles too hard. And don’t try to stick a finger someplace that you’ve never asked him about.

Cancer: June 21st – July 22nd

You don’t make blowjobs sexy enough. He’d like it better if you took your clothes off (or at least your shirt) instead of going down on him while you’re fully clothed. He wants to see your beautiful body. And if you touch that beautiful body with a free hand, that would be nice, too.

Leo: July 23rd – August 22nd

You have no idea what you’re doing. You keep trying to deepthroat, because it’s what you’ve seen in porn. But that’s not the only method you can use. Use your tongue. Use your hands. Stop choking yourself. Stop assuming porn portrays sex realistically.

Virgo: August 23rd – September 22nd

You’re too insecure. You never try out any new techniques, because you’re worried he’s not going to like them and is going to judge you. But he wants you to try new things. He wants you to be adventurous. Stop sticking to the same old routine.

Libra: September 23rd – October 22nd

You’re too shy. You always look down or close your eyes instead of making eye contact with him — even though eye contact is super sexy. And you never even pause to talk dirty. You get too embarrassed to give him what he wants.

Scorpio: October 23rd – November 21st

You’re too rough and move too fast. You don’t have to grasp super tight and pull super hard all the time. Sometimes, it’s nice to feel kisses across his thighs and junk. Sometimes, it’s nice to take things slow and build up the anticipation.

Sagittarius: November 22nd – December 21st

You have to give 69ing another try. He wants to touch you while you touch him. He considers it a major turn-on.

Capricorn: December 22nd – January 19th

You’re not adventurous enough. Instead of going down on him before bed, try doing it in the morning. In the shower. In public. Surprise him by getting on your knees in a new place.

Aquarius: January 20th – February 18th

You get tired too easily. If he doesn’t finish fast enough, then you either give up completely or complain to him so much that he wishes you’d stop. You have to pace yourself. And try to finish what you’ve started.

Pisces: February 19th – March 20th

You don’t pay enough attention to your partner. If you listened to his moans and watched his facial movements, it would be easier to figure out what he likes and dislikes. Remember, not every guy is going to like the same things. You have to give special treatment to each one. TC mark