October 14, 2016

I Know I Should Forgive And Forget, But Fuck That

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What is the issue?
Léa Dubedout
Léa Dubedout

I know I should move on. That I should forget about the past. That I shouldn’t give a damn about you or what you’ve done to me. But I can’t help it. I care so much my heart stings.

If I saw it coming, then it would have been fine, but I didn’t. And it wasn’t because I was blind. It wasn’t because I missed the red flags. There weren’t any red flags. You fucked me over out of nowhere.

You could’ve handled it more delicately. You could’ve given me some sort of explanation. You could’ve acted like hurting me hurt you. But it was abundantly clear that it didn’t. That it was easy for you.

I was stupid enough to believe that you’d always be there. That there wasn’t a force on this planet that could pull us apart. I never imagined that you would intentionally leave. I guess it’s because I never would’ve done the same to you. It never would’ve crossed my mind.

You have no idea how often I think of you, how often I replay all of the nasty things you’ve said, and I want to keep it that way. I don’t want you to know that I’m thinking of you when you’re not thinking of me. I don’t want you to know how many nights I wake up crying from the nightmares. I don’t want you to know that you, or your absence, has made an impact on my life.

I’m the definition of bitter, and I know it’s unhealthy, but I can’t imagine that bitterness leaving anytime soon. Every angry, angsty song on he radio reminds me of you. And the imaginary conversations in my head, the ones we’d have if I ever ran into you, all end viciously.

I usually take the high road, but all I want to do is curse you out. I want to scream at you until my throat is raw. I want to make you understand what I’ve been going through over these past few months. I want to make you feel as terrible as you made me feel.

But that’s never going to happen.

I know I should try to see the world from your point of view and find the strength to forgive you, but I’ve already tried that, and it hasn’t worked. So instead, I’m going to let my anger fuel me. I’m going to get revenge by making my life a hell of a lot better than yours. I’m going to make you wish you didn’t fuck me over, because I’m someone that’s worth having around.

But, by the time that I reach success, by the time that I show you all that you’re missing, I’m hoping that I’ll have forgotten that you were the one that pushed me there. Because you don’t deserve a place in my mind. In my heart. In my life.

You don’t deserve any part of me. TC mark

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