September 23, 2016

I’m Not The Same Girl I Was When We Met

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Twenty20, kirillvasilevcom
Twenty20, kirillvasilevcom

When I met you, I was inexperienced. I never dated a guy. I never slept with a guy. I never loved a guy. You shaped my perspective on relationships without meaning to. You changed the way that I view men. You changed the way that I think.

When I first met you, I didn’t know what it would feel like to get screwed over. Sure, I had childhood crushes that let me down when they ended up dating someone else, but I didn’t know what real, uncut heartbreak felt like. I didn’t realize how badly it would hurt, because I didn’t think I would get hurt.

When I first met you, I believed that every single kiss was filled with meaning. That those gentle touches were intimate gestures that proved how much we cared for each other. Even smaller things, like holding hands, felt significant to me. I had no idea that you didn’t share the sentiment. I assumed the feeling was mutual.

When I first met you, I was the sweetest girl in the world. I would’ve done anything for you, from cooking you dinner to going down on you on command. I let you walk all over me, because I didn’t realize my value yet. I didn’t realize that you were completely out of line and that I deserved so much more than you were willing to give.

When I first met you, I blamed myself for your attitude. Whenever you treated me like crap, I thought I made some sort of mistake. That I was being too pushy. Too needy. Too desperate. I never blamed you for taking too long to answer my texts or for flirting with other girls in front of me. I didn’t think there was a single thing wrong with you. I thought it was me.

But now, now that I’m older, now that I have more life experience, I’m no longer willing to be in a one-sided relationship. I’m not going to date a guy that couldn’t care less about how I feel, while I’m stuck worrying about whether or not I’m making him happy enough.

Now, after dealing with you and your bullshit, I’m a full-blown skeptic. I no longer believe that kisses are magical and that sex actually means something. I realize that they’re empty, carnal activities. That I can’t assume someone likes me, just because they got naked in front of me.

Now, I’m a bitch and proud of it. If you use me for sex, I’ll call you out on it. If you curse me out, I’ll talk back. And if you disrespect me, I’ll stick up my middle finger and walk away, cutting you out of my life for good. I’m no longer willing to be used as a plaything. I’m no longer an idiot.

When I first met you, I was much sweeter. But I don’t miss those days, because I’m better off the way I am now. I’m done being innocent, naive, stupid.

Because now, I know better. TC mark

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