May 28, 2014

14 Signs You Can’t Party As Much As You Used To

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What is the issue?
 Edoardo Costa
Edoardo Costa

(1) Times when your roommate goes out of town and you have the whole apartment to yourself are beginning to feel *supremely awesome*. Not because you don’t like your roommate, but because an empty apartment feels like your own personal night club/ bar/ movie theater.

(2) Your idea of spontaneity is beginning to seriously change. It has gone from deciding to staying up all night at a party to deciding to take a really long walk. You went from not giving a f*ck so much that you would literally be willing to get fired from your job for the chance to take a 7-day road trip without telling anyone, but now that amount of spontaneity equals saying f*ck it and spending $40 on a steak.

(3) You are actually beginning to control yourself from drinking too much at functions where you are supposed to keep from getting totally wasted (work parties, family occasions).

(4) You are having trouble controlling yourself from drinking too much alone at home on week nights.

(5) You’ve only used Tinder vicariously through your friends. You have maybe swiped a few profiles for them. Tinder scares you TBQH.

(6) Sweatpants.

(7) You are also having trouble controlling the length of your Netflix binges. In February Slate reported that “more than 40% of binge watching sessions ‘just happen.'” This is pretty much you.

(8) You are realizing that you really never liked crowded concerts with live music. You are also realizing that you actually really dislike them, so actively avoid them. You especially avoid being in the front row of loud crowded concerts. You prefer earbuds, on a sidewalk, with iced coffee.

(9) You’ve literally gone from trying to find out every weekend where everyone’s at to struggling to find that *one bar* where you can drink at peace and you won’t see anyone you know all that well. This is depressing but real. A quiet bar where the service is good (but not overly friendly) and the people keep to themselves is a treasure that you must not tell anyone but a few close confidants about.

(10) You are developing extreme stress reactions to potential hangover situations. If you know you are going to be in a car the next morning (even a subway car), there is just no way you are going to risk putting yourself in the position to have a hangover the night before.

(11) If you do go to concerts, you are starting to prefer the kind where you sit down. Now you like sit down when you rock out, as do other people with gray hair sitting around you in the sit-down area of the concert venue.

(12) You are getting into things like “understanding how to use Yelp better” and apps that save places you’ve been to so you can go to them again. That’s one of your main problems, “how to use Yelp better.” You are constantly on the lookout for places that meet your criteria for a decent meal, nice service, good prices, good drinks, or all of the above.

(13) Your default setting when approached with any wild party plans is to immediately say “no” and unwillingly listen while your friend or significant other tries to convince you that you will enjoy yourself during these wild party plans. You feel bad for this and maybe are trying to change this about yourself but you’re mostly correct in your assumptions that whatever they’re trying to get you to go to will not be as good as Netflix + wine.

(14) You are getting full-on into weird hobbies. But it’s not an identity like it used to be – the kind of thing where you’d revel in Facebook status updating about it, calling yourself a “nerd” and stuff. No. Your new weird hobbies are actually just sort of embarrassing and probably something you wouldn’t want to admit to anyone anymore (because they things are super uncool). Like for example your hobbies have become house plants, or close-reading and annotating the Game of Thrones books the second time you read the entire series. At one point you definitely thought it was cool to be quirky and all but now your obsessions feel like they’ve gotten so detailed and nuanced that now if you were to let anyone in on them people would just think you’re weird. Which, you kind of are. TC mark

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