1. You keep emailing and text messaging your ex. You obviously have no future with this person, and every time you get back together you spiral into a black hole of toxic normalcy, but you have no problem emailing and texting her every day, squeezing every last ounce of validation from the relationship. You can’t help yourself. There’s something so satisfying, so regressive, about waking up to a text from your ex that says she loves and misses you, and you can’t help but continue to cultivate that response — keep it alive — because you, my friend, are in a willpower crisis.
2. You keep sleeping with someone despite the drama it causes. You obviously have no future with this person either, and sleeping with them not only threatens to f-ck up your lives but several other people’s lives around you. And you don’t even plan on being in a relationship with this person! Why are you doing it? You have no willpower!
3. You keep opening new tabs. On the internet. New tabs. You already have open Gmail, Facebook, Twitter, Reddit, Pinterest, Thought Catalog, Tumblr. There is not a tab that you can now open that you do not already have open. And you’re completely updated on each of your feeds. Which means that you have to start working on the thing that you’ve ostensibly been “working on” since you’ve opened your computer. Wait — what’s that you’re doing? You’re opening a new tab! But you have nowhere to go! Quick, get to weather.com before the self-shaming starts. You’re so devoid of willpower!
4. You keep drinking. You can go to brunch and just have one drink and then get on with your day like a well-adjusted adult can, right? Like — it’s easy for you to go ahead and have one cocktail tonight because it’s a Tuesday and you have a big presentation at work tomorrow and today you didn’t get any work done because you were hungover, right? Wow — you’re actually leaving your friends at the bar after one drink! Kudos! Wait, why are you going into that bodega. Oh, chips. That’s cool. Is that… is that a 40 oz. of Pabst in your hand? WTF? What the hell, man, where the f-ck’s your willpower?!
5. You keep going out to eat. Dude, you have vegetables and macaroni and cheese and sh-t at your apartment, and eating out costs like 400 percent more than cooking in, and alcohol’s marked up the same, and you don’t know what you’re getting when you eat out — you don’t know what they’re doing to the food back there. And you’ve been out every night this week. And you’re already broke. You need to stop this. You need to get your willpower back.
6. You keep buying overpriced clothing. Whoa — a $65 t-shirt? A $170 pair of slacks? Did I just see you temporarily convince yourself that these purchases were totally justified and not at all putting you in danger of going destitute and living the rest of your life in a cold, miserable halfway house? We’re on a budget, man! What are you doing? Oh yeah, I forgot — you have zero willpower!
7. You keep looking at the internet despite the fact that you’ve been looking at, ostensibly, ‘nothing,’ for the past hour. Just shut the laptop down. Just shut. It. Down. Look at you — you’ve been doing nothing! You’re just refreshing websites! You could be finishing your masterpiece or becoming more well-read! You could be tweaking your online dating profile or calling up your friend to see if they want to hang out! Anything but staring mindlessly at a computer screen in your Forever Lazy while South Park plays on Comedy Central in the background. That’s abusing technology. Technology has destroyed your willpower!
8. You’ve gotten sucked into porn. Dude — you’re supposed to be working from home today. What are you looking at? Oh, Christina Hendricks’ boobs. Well, can’t blame you. That’s okay. Enjoy them — it is Christina Hendricks, and this type of celebrity phone hacking thing only happens once a month or so. Wait, though. Why are you looking at hotformilfs.com? What’s going on? Oh, jeez. I see what’s going on. You know you have a phone call in a half hour and three reports due by the end of the day, right? You do? Oh yeah, you don’t give a sh-t. You have no willpower.
9. You’ve openend up Netflix. Hold on — you said you were going to work on stuff today! It’s only 11 a.m., why are you opening up Netflix instant? You do know that those movies and TV shows aren’t going anywhere, right? OK — well then, why are you starting another episode of The Office? Oh, LOL. Almost forgot. No willpower.
10. You’ve planned on meeting your ex for drinks tonight. Holy sh-t, what are you doing? You were already taking liberties by texting and emailing him, but now you’re going to see him? You know what’s going to happen, right? You know this is going to end badly, right? You do? Then why are you doing it? Oh yeah, you have no willpower!