1. Was pregnant
It might not count because I was massively pregnant but I woke up in the middle of the night, poured an entire box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch into a big glass bowl, threw in a bag of marshmallows, drizzled it with melted butter and then put it in the microwave to melt the marshmallows. I then watched Dexter for 2 hours and ate the whole thing while crying.
Okay I have the perfect story for this.
I told my wife I was going to the gym, but somehow I ended up going to Mcdonald’s instead.
I ate my cheeseburgers in a parking lot, and waited a little while until it seemed long enough for a workout.
When I got home, I poured water on my head and shirt to look like I had been sweating.
That is the absolute saddest and fattest thing I have ever done.
I ate half of a cake once when I should have only one piece. I was horrified and didn’t want anyone to know, so I finished the cake, baked a whole new one, forced myself to eat the one allowed piece.
Then I barfed in the middle of dinner.
I once ate almost an entire bucket of those cheese balls then I sat there in my orange shame reflecting on the choices I’ve made.
5. Sounds gross
Ever heard of a Scotch egg? I make a dessert version using spice cake wrapped around a Cadbury egg and deep fried. Served with buttercream frosting as “gravy”. It’s absolutely delicious, but everyone within a 10 meter radius gets diabetes
6. No regrets
I ate two pans of brownies in less than an hour. I didn’t even realise that I’d eaten that much until I saw the two empty pans.
Bought a dozen large apple fritters, ate 11, puked, ate #12, napped.
Got the wrong order from a southern chicken restaurant called Zaxby’s, ate it angrily, then drove to the adjacent city and went to THAT Zaxby’s, ordered it again, got the right order, and then ate that angrily, too. It cost me about $17, not counting gas. It wasn’t even good.
Did the same thing with a pizza, that one cost me about $32.
I must be descended from some fat, spoiled noble who couldn’t handle an unsatisfying meal and tormented his poor cooks.
I once ordered a 20 piece McNugget from McDonald’s, and realized there were actually only 19 nuggets. I was in a pissy mood already, so I went back and made a big deal out of it, and they gave me a whole new 20 piece, leaving me with 39 total nuggets, all of which I ate in one sitting.
10. So much food
Anniversary time. Wife and I walk four blocks down the hill to the House of Prime Rib. We gorge on meat meat meat meat meat meat meat. Oh yeah, there’s a salad and we eat that too. Groaning with pleasure, we waddle out of the restaurant. Look up the hill. We can see our apartment. I look at her. She looks at me. We hail a cab.
A double hamburger, with the ends made of grilled cheese sandwiches.
Grilled Cheese Patty Bun Patty Grilled Cheese
I could literally feel my arteries clogging.
I ate a ham.
A whole fucking ham.
I did what’s called a bang-bang. I ate at two completely separate restaurants, and had two full meals, back to back. I saw it on an episode of Louie and thought it would be fun to try. It was, but I’d never do it again. I gained eight pounds that day.
I did this somewhat on accident once after eating at a Chinese place and then a Mexican establishment. This is a dangerous combination. The aftermath hit me on the way home. I ended up driving about 90 mph with one hand on the wheel and the other holding my butt cheeks together as tears streamed down my face. I was thrusting my pelvis into the air to get maximum leverage against the unstoppable force making its way out of me. I pulled into my driveway on an angle with my driver’s side door closest to my house door and didn’t worry about closing any of them or shutting my car off as I sprinted in to the bathroom. I made it with no time to spare. It was a great victory.
Phoning for pizza delivery. “It’s buy one get one free today, sir.” So naturally, I pretend to shout up to non-existent housemates to ask them if they want one, before telling the guy on the end of the phone that, yes, “we” will take two. Ate both in one sitting.
Going back about seven years, height of depression, girlfriend was a complete psycho bitch, etc. One weekend, she was going to be out of town and I tried to organize a get together with some friends. We agreed on a Friday evening and I planned the most awesomest sexiest party there ever was.
I didn’t account for the fact that as they were all wifed and children’d up, every single one of them flaked the very day of the event. All with cuntbag excuses like “The child is ill” or “the wife has a headache” or “I forgot I have to wake up early tomorrow because wife’s parents are in town that evening and I have to buy some shoes” or some fuckbollocks. When the last one called, I didn’t even wait for the excuse – cue a bunch of texts about me being an asshole.
Shame. It would have been cool too! I had such great plans for the evening.
In a depressive rage, I still ordered enough pizza for 12 people with sides. I spent that Friday night with a bunch of beer, 8 large Dominos pizzas, some movies I’d bought but not got around to seeing and near on two 20x packs of Marlboro ciggies. I finished the evening by letting off about £200 worth of fireworks I’d bought for the occasion.
On the one hand, in a drunken manic depressive rage, fireworks appear way cooler! Especially when the guy you bought them from was a professional display dude and slid you a few rockets he really shouldn’t have! This is especially true when you’re at the stage of saying, “I shouldn’t have had that last pizza…” as in not “slice” of pizza.
Cue me at 2am, drunk in my back yard, finishing the last beer, really thinking… “As a person, I am fucked!”
I guess the morning after was also my epiphanic moment. I was 23 years old, it was 8am, I’d gotten no sleep, I was hurling up something chronic in the bathroom and some of it still resembled bits of pizza.
This was when I decided that there was something majorly wrong with my life and I had to do something about it. I’d had some thoughts about that before, but the fattest thing I’ve ever done is certainly that. 8 pizzas, however many beers, 40 cigarettes… and fireworks.
At a carnival a few years back, I had deep fried butter. I shit you not, it was a stick of butter put in batter then deep fried with cinnamon and sugar. I wallowed in my artery clogging misery afterwards.
I once ate half a tub of ice cream with a tablespoon of Nutella spread accompanying every mouthful because I ran out of chocolate syrup. I later learnt of the nutritional content of Nutella, and realised that I must have ingested a week’s allowance of saturated fats in one sitting.
Went to Korean bbq and ate for 4 hours. In my defense, it was KBBQ.
I ate 10 breakfast burritos from McDonald’s over the course of an hour on a fishing trip. I felt like a soft serve machine that was accidentally left on the next time I shat.
I’ve drunk a ladle full of melted butter and straight taco grease for like 75 cents for each one.I could feel my heart struggling. But it was for money so it’s okay
I was meeting friends at the theatre. They were late so I bought extra-large popcorn and two large drinks, for all of us. Nobody came. I walked out of that movie with half a drink and depression.
Ok so back story here I was working at a McDonald’s while in high school. Well it was summer and I was working quite a bit cause we were very understaffed. Well my schedule was 6am- 6pm and one of my Co workers schedule was 6pm-6am (we were supposed to rotate so it worked well). Anyway he comes in one day and says there is a family emergency and he needs to leave for a few days. I say don’t worry I’ll cover your shift go take care of things. I worked from Monday morning at 6am to Wednesday night at 6pm so I worked 60 hours relatively non stop. (Note I had my friends and family take me home so I could shower and such but yeah it was hell) Anyway I get done with my last shift and get told as a thank you for my work I can make anything I can think of. I made a sandwich that contained:
6x pieces of bacon
4x quarter pound patties
5x slices of swiss cheese
All topped off with mac sauce
I devoured it in literally about 5 min and then got taken home by my manager where he offered and I graciously accepted taking the next 2 weeks off haha.
I ate a $20 dinner for 2 at Chilis all by myself. My waitress said she was “impressed and disgusted.”
I got extremely hungry one night and all I had at home was a jar of mayonnaise and a can of corn. I mixed it and ate it all with a big fucking spoon.
One night – after smoking a few bowls – I ordered Dominos.
I ate 16 Parmesan Bread Bites, 2 Medium BBQ Chicken Pizzas, and drank a 2 liter of Diet Coke.