1. The bulge

“The battle of the bulge was a hard fought battle. Almost like the battle I fight with my bulge in the morning.” – The best fucking history teacher I’ve ever had.

2. Great way to get your attention

I had an 11th grade English teacher (large dude, mid-40s) say, “If any of you ever say that the ‘thesis’ is ‘what the paper’s about’, I will come to your house, find something that you love, and KILL it. Right in front of you.”

He also greeted us first day of school year by walking in and saying, “Alright all you failed abortions let’s get to it.”

Best class ever.

3. Don’t imagine it

Not really what she said to us but our 6th grade teacher would sometimes walk around the desks and randomly scratch some of us boy’s heads with her long nails for extended periods of time. Just scratching away while talking to the class. She was smoking hot with a nice rack so when she would scratch our heads like that you can imagine the pre-adolescent boners we would get…

Err. On second thought…don’t imagine the pre-adolescent boners we would get…

4. A bomb?!

I was in spanish class last year, using my phone under my desk, when my teacher noticed. She stopped her lecture, turned to me and said: “There are two things you could be doing with your hands underneath the table like that and neither one is appropriate for my class.” The class exploded.

5. Goth kid felt extra goth that day

My favorite teacher ever, assigned us to go see a movie. He jokingly stated, “If you take your grandmother with you I’ll give you extra credit”. To which one of the stereotypical morbid gothic kid in class replied, “My grandma is dead.” My teacher’s response: “…well then I’ll give you DOUBLE extra credit.” Not really all that inappropriate but still to this day the funniest thing I’ve ever heard a teacher say.

6. It was the hormones

Spanish teacher was pregnant at the time. She told the class, “I’m a MILF! You know. A mother I like to f***!” There was a 5 second pause before she said, “I should not have said that.” And she is a MILF by the way.

7. PE teachers rule

In the changing rooms for PE, a guy in my class gets tickled by his friend and he screams out. Our teacher walks in just then and says, “Boys, have your orgasms in your own time.”

8. Why wasn’t he fired

Not to me, but I had a government teacher who would sexually harass most of the girls in my class. For example, when asked how a girl could get extra credit on a test, he responded by saying “I would say sex, but that would be illegal.”

9. Who let a camera crew film a baby coming out of a vagina

My health education teacher sophomore year of high school showed us footage of a woman giving birth. She played it once, then reversed the tape so it looked like a doctor was shoving a baby inside the woman and said, “Oh the miracles of technology.”

10. Hope you thinned out to show him up

In 7th grade I was fat. The first day of gym class the teacher told us all to stand on these numbered squares painted on the basketball court. Well, this was a very old school and I couldn’t find the number assigned to me, as a lot of them were worn away. He said to me very loudly so everyone could hear, “I bet if there was a steak on it you’d find your square!” I still hate him to this day.

11. Always

9th grade wood shop. Albuquerque.

The teacher comes in on the first day of school looking disheveled and possibly hungover. He surveys the class, sits down at his desk and tells us, “Gentlemen, it’s always the bitch’s fault.”

12. Oh, he got you good

Not exactly a comment that a teacher made, but one of the support teachers at my school told me and my friend that if we looked at the sky and pretended to shake salt into our mouth that we could actually taste it. Me and my friend being naive at the time proceeded to act out this motion of looking to the sky and ‘shaking salt’ into our mouths.

It took the support teacher breaking into a laughing fit for us to realise what the action really represented. He then took out a piece of paper and added us to his tally of kids that had fallen for his joke.

13. This is why people think male teachers are pedophiles

Male math teacher in 6th grade, Halloween… Girl comes in as a hillbilly with a buttflap on her pants. Teacher asks if “We can see a little booty.” She flashes him her ass, he says, “Alright!”

14. I can’t believe there are random drug tests at school

During a random drug check in my high school a few years ago when the police brought dogs in, my US History teacher gleefully said “Hope you left your weed at home, kids – I know I did!”

Maybe he didn’t…

15. Pv ratio is uncanny

HS Bio teacher had us doing Punnett Squares and he asked a girl what the result would be if he crossed his “Big P, Big P” with her “Little V, Little V”. She looked pretty uncomfortable with the whole thing, IIRC.

16. Don’t clap

Teacher here. Something I said during student teaching that was highly inappropriate… A kid came in singing “Ring of Fire,” but using the lyrics “it burns, burns, burns, the gonorrhea!” My response: “[kids name], gonorrhea Is nothing to clap about!” Never have I seen a group of 16-year-old inner city school kids laugh so hard.

17. “Oh god, not again”

College finance class. The professor asked why the class was always quiet and disengaged. One girl responded, “This subject is just so dry.” The professor responded, “Well how can I make it moist?”

18. …from personal experience

I go to a private all girls school. In theology class last week, two of my friends were sitting on a heater to try to warm up and our 80-year-old teacher told them to stop because it would dry out their vaginas.

19. And we all know what happened to the last one

“You can’t be President because you’re Catholic.”

I was 7.

20. We learned about anatomy in earth science!

“Hardness is a girl’s best friend…

because diamonds have a hardness of 10. What were you thinking?”

Same day we learned about cleavage and streaking. Minerals are fun!

21. The teacher was suspended without pay later that week

A black student was singing in the back of my Trigonometry class when my (white) teacher says, “Quit singing Marvel, were not on the fields.”

Class goes dead silent, then everyone burst out laughing. Teacher turned red after realizing what he had just said.

22. Our memories are so short

In history class in 11th grade our teacher showed a painting of the Virgin Mary with the baby Jesus. One of the more popular girls in school said, “eww that baby has boobs.” He was halfway across the room, stops, walks over to her and says, “Jealous?” Everyone busts out laughing. The next day we had all forgot about it and then he starts off the class by bringing it up in order to apologize to her and just ends up reminding us about it all over again. She said later that she wasn’t embarrassed the first time but his apology made it much worse.

23. Memorize these

High school english teacher with an eyepatch and a habit of propping one leg up on a chair to reveal his bulge. First day of class he’s laying down the rules. “Ladies, there is to be no makeup applied in my class. For the pretty ones: you don’t need it. For the ugly ones: it won’t help.”

24. Oh sick burn

I’ve told this story before, and posted it on a couple of those lame FML kinda sites years ago, but it fits here too. Once in my Physics class, the male teacher’s phone goes off with a very girly pop ringtone. Some smartass in the front of the room goes “Why don’t you change your ringtone?” And the teacher responds “Why don’t you tell your mom to stop calling me?”

This teacher was a gold mine of stuff like this.