1. Sign this contract for sex

It’s more of a type than a specific girl, but I’ll never again be involved with a girl who doesn’t like sex. I don’t need someone adding rules, clauses, exceptions, and bargaining to sex in my life ever again.

2. Life doesn’t work that way, sweetie

No more Princesses.

They are just a black hole of want and need and nothing can be done to make them happy…

3. Questions met with silence

I had a pattern of going out with sorta clingy, indecisive girls. They weren’t all identical but had a tendency to not have many of their own friends and rely on me for a lot of stuff. It turned into me trying to make decisions and them criticizing them without providing their own suggestions, i.e. the stereotypical “what do you want for dinner?” debate.

Anyway, ended up marrying a decisive girl with a lot of friends and all is well.

4. “Bat-shit crazy”

She was bat-shit crazy. Like fell in love with me in one week crazy. After I “broke up” with her (after “dating” for 2 weeks) she pretended to pass out so I would have to stay with her longer.

So, no I haven’t seen or talked to her since.

5. Thank goodness he met better people

My ex was selfish and bad at communicating her wants/needs.

Instead of addressing them by communicating and working through the issues, she decided cheating was easier. I dumped her shortly after.

What sucked was she was my first major relationship and it lasted through my teens and into early college, so for many of our issues I thought, “Well, this is how a relationship with women must be.”

Dating around and meeting new women quickly helped me realize this wasn’t the case, thankfully.

6. You never met her…?

The never again is in regards to catching feelings for someone I can’t physically be with immediately (i.e: Long distance relationships).

We actually met on twitter but she had a boyfriend so I tried to smother my feelings. Until the day came that she told me he’d left her and she felt like she’d never find anyone who loved her again.

In one of my many attempts to console her (over several days) it kinda slipped out that I liked her as more than a friend. She reacted really well and I actually was hopeful, we began to flirt with each other and be just disgustingly cute in general and we both said just talking to each other made us unbelievable happy. She went as far as to sigh one day and say “everything about you is amazing, why do you have to live so far away?”

She lied. She went back to her bf, in fact had never actually broken up with him fully and I guess she just loved the attention she was getting from me, said she never had feelings for me, and she’s sorry if she hurt me because she never meant to.

She broke my heart into a million pieces and I’ll probably never forgive her. It’s been over a month since I stopped speaking to her and blocked her on every social network. The saddest part of my shitty monologue is that if she texted me out of the blue I would probably talk to her and fall into the same trap again. God but I miss her.

For anyone who had the patience to read this, thank you. It was somewhat cathartic to type all of that out.

7. This isn’t weird or anything

I fooled around with a girl for about a month or so. When we started to get a little more comfortable with each other, she started acting like a cat. Like, a literal cat. She would purr after orgasm, lick my face, or pretend to paw at me. Oh and she also said when she is being sexually pleased her inner cat comes out.

I noped outta that situation pretty fast. She’s part of a social group I’m somewhat a part of so, I see her from time to time but, I’ll never go back. I’m not into that. Haha

8. “I will never share your love for Jesus.”

Twice. The first broke up with me when I looked her in the eye and said, “You need to understand that I will never, ever share your love for Jesus.” I said it because it was true, but also because I knew she would dump me on the spot for saying it.

The second was insanely over the top jealous, controlling and insecure, and was a compulsive liar to boot. I started catching her in bigger and bigger lies, but didn’t figure out that she was a secret alcoholic until a couple of weeks before breaking up, and didn’t figure out she was stealing hundreds of Euros a month from me from me until after I broke up with her. Pro tip, if he or she is lying to everyone else, they’re lying to you too.

Let’s just say that I learned a lot from both of them, and built character. That which does not kill me…

9. “I’m hot, so you owe me things”

“I’m pretty so buy me stuff” girl.

Never again.

Being pretty is not exactly escaping from handcuffs underwater. Being smart and having some ambition along with being pretty, and not feeling like you’re owed something in life, is quite hot.

No more lazy chicks for me. Only took one for me to learn.

10. Watch out for these four things

Combination of friends and significant others.

1. Racist lesbian with daddy issues and a proclivity towards indignant ‘accidental’ exhibitionism.

2. Country girls that play into the southern Belle characterization.

3. Doormats who let their partners cheat because not doing so might hurt the relationship.

4. Emotional leeches with a hypocritical streak

11. “Had”

Had, that’s the key word “had” thank jebus, she dragged me through the depths of hell and back taking me to court for my daughter accusing me of sexually abusing my daughter, basically doing everything in her power to destroy me. All because her parents divorced and her mom had a real hatred for men and she kinda just took that attitude towards me and made shit a nightmare. But I got a new girl who’s parents were and still are together, so no issues like that, never again.

12. Was the sex really worth the trouble

Oh yeah, a girl who pulled the “Let’s you and him fight” crap, and then the “I’m pregnant,” immediately followed by the “Whoops, I’m not pregnant now that we’re going to the doctor for the test.”

Shame, that girl would deep throat on command. Not worth the crazy though.

13. The Monster And The Brat

Two, as it happens. The Monster and The Brat.

The Monster had a massive chip on shoulder due to rage at the father who abandoned her. She was on a mission to make men suffer.

The Brat was an only child who had very poor impulse control, and had no inhibitions at all about throwing a tantrum in public. At the age of 26.

14. Being clueless isn’t that cute

She purposely acted dumb and shy. I mean I took her out for sushi and she pretended not to know what it was, then I see her post pictures later with hashtags in full on Japanese knowing her shit. Instant WTF turnoff. Furthermore, she was telling everyone we were together even though we only had two unofficial dates. She also had an overly possessive brother that found out we were dating and started digging up info on my ex’s.

15. Take note!

General:
Girls with trust issues. Unfortunately, it can be really, really difficult to detect the monster before it strikes. The only way I’ve managed to avoid it is by taking note of how many friends they have (and their relationships with those friends).

Specific:
Girl with an insatiable libido but was also a goddamn starfish, both in technique and ability/desire to learn (and frankly, that’s insulting to actual starfish). It sure is easy to want sex 3-4 times or more a day when you’re just laying back and not doing any of the work.

16. No casual sex on the side

Any girl who views sex as a tool to get what she wants and/or any girl who treats sex as a casual weekend activity and not something to be kept to a relationship.

As for why, mainly, I find it to be an extremely unattractive trait to treat sex with strangers as a casual weekend activity and a major red flag.

17. Guys can be little bitches

Not a man, but I dated a guy that I pretty much showed me that dating rich bitches never works out. We dated a bit in college and his daddy paid for everything, including tuition, rent, food, and spending money, which he used quite liberally. He went through like three blue ray players and got a very nice, expensive sound system and always had to have the next new toy. If he overspent and couldn’t pay rent, he called up dear old dad who would send him what he needed. He was ridiculously spoiled and liked throwing temper tantrums in public and would yell at me in the parking lot of our apartment buildings and while we were out on a date if I did something he didn’t like. He was quite the little bitch. Then if he actually did something legitimately mean to me, he would apologize to me, and then require that I comfort him so he could feel good about himself. Everything he did was for himself and if he did something nice for me, it was only for his own benefit.

18. She’s not a feminist, but an evil bitch

A feminist. The constant disparaging and belittling of me was not healthy. I was the personification of all the world’s evil. Every accomplishment and trait was trivialized, every word had to be carefully chosen.

19. “You are beautiful in every single way”

I’m not dating any more women who arn’t confident in themselves any more. I can’t put up with “I don’t deserve you,” “You don’t find me attractive” “I don’t deserve your love,” “You could find some better than me” etc again. It’s disheartening and soul-crushing to hear the women you love constantly put herself down.

20. Probably should’ve noped when you found out about the meth

Meth addicts: never again. I don’t give a shit how much she thinks she can control it. Jesus christ she went nuts fast.

Also, I think I’ll avoid sociopaths while I’m at it.

And anyone who says “I get insanely jealous” is a big fat “NOPE” from now on.

21. Sounds terrible, this

Yeah. I dated a girl with multiple personalities. She would write notes to her other personalities on how to “get rid” of me without the main personality finding out. It was written in about 6 different handwriting styles. She cheated on me every chance she could get. She would tell every guy that I beat her and tell me that all the other guys would beat her too and try to get us to fight it out. So yeah… no more of that.

22. There’s people like this?

The “better jump in there and snatch him while he’s weak” girl.

Dated a girl immediately after my divorce last year, bad move already. Anyway, went slow for a few weeks (because I insisted), she was living out of state and planned on moving to my city in about 6 months. Instead, she basically shows up at my doorstep one day with all her stuff in a car saying she already got her dream job, and just needed a place to crash for the weekend while she hunts for an apartment.

I’m generally a nice guy, and not too much of a pushover, but against better judgement I decided to let her stay while she found a place. Many red flags popped up after that; being angry and any female friends, checking my Facebook constantly with a lot of “who’s THIS bitch”, and wanting to drop the L bomb barely knowing me. Oh, and trying to make me feel like shit about being sad I was getting divorced. Really classy kind of girl.

2 days turned into a week which turned into 3 weeks until I finally kicked her out. Well, kicking her out is a harsh term, I facilitated her move into an apartment very quickly would be better. Even installed her ceiling fan before grabbing my extra key off her keyring and bidding her good day. I think the final straw was her talking about what color we’d paint the baby’s room.

Baby? Yeah…. I don’t think so.

Epilogue: the ex wife and I talked out our issues, sought a little counseling, and made things work. We re-married last november. She had a crazy boyfriend during our time apart as well, so we occasionally swap stories of our own personal adventures with crazy pants and laugh it off.

23. Never. Again.

Bat-shit crazy rolodex girl.

Basically if she got bored or wasn’t catered to 24/7, she’d break it off, go through her contacts, start something up with whoever was next, get bored, break it off, repeat.

I didn’t know about her behavior at the time.

5-6 month thing in high school. Broke it off after I started buckling down to get into college and became boring. She tells me she cheated on me but it wasn’t her fault because she just craved a bit of excitement in her life. She starts dating another guy. We’re on the same school trip to Chicago a few months later. Tells me current boyfriend (a friend of mine and I think second after our breakup) is boring while we’re alone in my hotel room to grab something real quick, climbs on top of me out of nowhere and tries to take off my pants. Nope the fuck out of there and go about my way on the trip. She gets home, breaks it off with my friend, moves on to the next (read: the next “previous”) guy in her contacts.

Then a couple years later when I’m in college, she got married. I was next person in her rolodex, so she tracked me down, gave me her “boring” woes and tried to rekindle. Nope. About a year later she’s divorced and reaches back out to me. Nope. Couple months later she’s married again, reaches. Nope again, Few months later she’s pregnant and reaches again, actually saying she’s bored and just wants someone to fuck because her husband works too much.

Last I heard she was still married to the guy she was pregnant with. I think he’s in the army, and she luckily went with him while he’s stationed in South Korea. Regardless, I’ve got her blocked on all my phones and cut off all social media ties way beforehand.
Never again, lads. Never again.

Read Not a Match, one of the bestselling Kindle Singles of all time.