I had never noticed my flaws and how insecure I was until I fell in love with you, someone as imperfect as me.
I thought the insecurity was just temporary, but as time went by it got worse. I was a wreck, but I saved myself from you before completely breaking. I was my own superhero in the movie, saving what was left of my sanity and worth because you wouldn’t be the hero, you couldn’t be. I re-built my confidence, and I spent days alone. Days that felt like years, in the sweet silence I still remember, rebuilding my brokenness, and healing. It worked for the most part, I got better, and I loved myself. I let go of my insecurities, and I just started living. I thought all was gone and forgotten.
It begins all over again when I meet someone new. I notice the things I never liked about myself with you, and the things I believe you didn’t like about me.
They all come back, and I remember they still exist. How? Why are they still here? That’s the only down side to meeting new people, I become my old self, I become insecure. Alone I am the confident and independent woman I look up to, someone who is constantly looking for the next adventure and thrill. I don’t care about how I look or what others think of me. I am happy to do and say what I feel, because I know it is better to take chances than to never know what could have happened. I am fearless, I am dauntless, and I laugh uncontrollably at any random thing without a care in the world.
That all changes when I meet someone and I start to like them. It feels like I am on trial. It reminds me of a version of myself that didn’t love herself enough to let go of what was hurting her. It brings me back to the reason why I can’t look at your eyes, and why its so hard to believe that you even liked me. It reminds me of all the things you said before it all ended. It taunts me, and it taints me. It shouldn’t anymore, because you aren’t here, but it does.
I become naked in my insecurities, as I count and compare the things she has that I don’t. You don’t do this to me, I do it to myself.
It is out of my control sometimes, but I am trying. I am trying every day. I’ll get there one day, and that will be the happiest day of my life. I am already free, but I won’t be liberated until I no longer see your ghost. Until the ghost of insecurity and belittlement you left me with leaves me completely. I need more time, and that is why time is both my best friend and my worst enemy. So, for now I take all the time I want for myself, I am meeting new people who are nothing like you, and who sing a new song my heart hasn’t heard yet since you left.
I still don’t understand how the idea of someone loving me brings me to all the ways you didn’t. All the times I didn’t feel like myself, and all the times things “almost” happened. Maybe I still love you, because after so much time it still feels like minutes have gone by since everything happened.
I have to remind myself, that for every reason I believe there is something wrong with me or my appearance, there is something extraordinary about me.
I have to remind myself who I am and what I stand for. During times like these I remind myself of the light inside of me that I love and protect so much.
I remind myself that anyone who makes me feel insecure is not worth my time dwelling on. I remind myself that it’s okay to miss some part of you. I remind myself that I am young, I have the world in the palm of my hands, I wear love on my sleeves, and even if my deepest insecurities get in the way of finding someone new, I must remind myself that the right person will love them, just like I loved all of yours.