Thought Catalog
February 17, 2017

I Kept Burning To Keep You Warm

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I kept myself burning just to keep you warm. I was dying, but I did it for you.

I never knew why I was setting myself on fire, it just felt natural. I just wanted to get through to you, so I could change you, so I could fix you. So you could fix me. That was very naïve of me.

Letting you go has been the hardest thing I’ve done in my life, because I never let go of things I love, unless they give me a reason to. Unless the heartache is much more than just tears.

I never thought you would give me a reason to let you go. Sometimes I feel like you did it on purpose, so I could leave you alone and not care for you so much because it suffocated you. That’s where my mind ends up going when I think of all this. That God brought me to you so I could learn to fall in love with someone so imperfect, and realize what it is like to experience loving someone a little more than yourself. How, if I can do that with you, I should be able to fall in love with my own imperfections, and all the flaws that I hate.

I need to understand that I have not fully experienced love with anyone, because I have not loved myself enough yet. This has been the hardest part of my life, the newest chapter of my life being unfolded onto my world. This was never just about sex, although I do understand why that is important too. I cannot truly find words to explain love, though I will never give up trying to find the right ones.

I know I am young, but I felt love with you, and that is one thing that I am certain of in this reckless world of abandonment. I know you wanted to fall in love, I know you still do. That you do not search for someone, without falling in love, because I am the same way. I think I just went too fast, way too fast for you and for myself. We both had no idea what we were doing, and by the time we realized it, it had gotten too deep for you, and I had fallen without you. I could not fix you, I know now. That relaxes me.

However, now I perhaps understand that when you really love someone, you only know when you put their needs before yours. When you do something for them you’re also doing it for you, because you care. I let you go for me, but I also let you go so you can meet someone you love, so you can fall in love without me being in the picture. So you can be happy without me.

I was scared to let you go, because deep down, I knew you wouldn’t come back. I risked us for us. In this situation I was stuck in the middle. I had a choice to keep being your friend, and harbor my feelings forever in the dark, or let you go with a piece of my heart, and move on at least knowing that for once in my life, I loved someone so much that I had to let them go out of my life.

You are always here though, in songs, in music, in the beats of my heart – even if I want you out so badly. I cannot. It is a virus, but I want to no longer speak about you just for my sake. I do not know how you feel, but I guess that is the beauty of this all. I’ve realized I don’t have to worry anymore, I don’t have to ask myself where you are or why you aren’t calling me to hang out on a Friday. I am free. Most days it does feel glum, but then I remember why I did this, why I did all of it, and it still hurts but it pushes the pain away for a second, so I can laugh at the show I’m watching with my little brother. I had a painful outburst in the car today, I screamed in the inside of my car saying how angry I was at you, how you expect everything to be okay because you probably thought I would have called by now. How you expect and expect things from me, when I had to let go of any expectation from you a long time ago. How I wish sometimes, I never met you. I really do. TC mark

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