February 19, 2014

How To Fail A Class In 7 Easy Steps

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What is the issue?

The young adults guide to being a thorn in their professors side (I know, that rhymed, but don’t hold it against me.) You’re probably thinking something like ‘I can fail a class all on my own! I don’t need to need this.’  To that I say, you might be able to fail a class but you’re probably not doing it the right way.  Yes, there is a right way, and that’s with attitude and flare.

Freaks & Geeks
Freaks & Geeks

1. Sleep through the first class.

This is a step that is often overlooked.  Being absent the first day starts the semester off the right way.  Letting your professor know up front that you are not interested WHATSOEVER in what they have to teach you no matter how much you’re paying for it or how interesting the material may be.

2. Never, I repeat, NEVER take notes. 

You wouldn’t want to give the professor the impression that you’re paying attention.  More than that, you wouldn’t want them to think you were going to do something so foolish as review them later or use them to study for an exam.

3. Don’t even think about raising your hand.

What are you? A nerd? You must be if you’re thinking about participating.  No you keep that hand firmly grounded in your pocket never letting it see the light of day.  From the time you enter the class until the time you leave your hand is golem, your pocket is a cave, and ‘the precious’ is the cool slacker in the corner persona you’ve created.  Don’t fuck it up with an arm flail that shows you’ve been listening to the lecture.

4. Make it obvious.

Bring a magazine to the class and read it during the lecture.  Don’t be all Quasimoto about it hunching over your Cosmo article on better sex so that it’s hard to see for a fact what you’re doing.  Lean back in your chair, scoot down low enough to use the back as a head rest, and lift the magazine up in front of your face showing it off for all the world (well class) to see.

5. Doodle on the tests. 

Nothing says “fail me” like pictures of dancing carrots rather than answers on an exam.

6. Homework.  

Pshh! Please. As if you’d waste your precious time on that nonsense. You’ve got some Teen Wolf to watch.

7. Talk some smack.

This last step is tricky and not for the faint of heart.  Make sure that your professor is within earshot but far enough away that you can pretend not to know they’re there.  Proceed to bash the class, their teaching style, their stupid shoes or whatever it may be that really just gets your goat.

I assure you, if you follow these steps you’ll get a failing grade in any class you sign up for. If you’re lucky the professor might even ask you not to come back! You’re welcome. TC mark

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