September 8, 2016

Even If It’s Forever, I Promise To Wait For You

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Lucy Maude Ellis
Lucy Maude Ellis

I’m running out of things to say. I’m running out of reasons to go on. You told me to wait for you. And I did. I waited and I waited.

And waiting was hell.

It was lying awake every night wishing you were by my side. Knowing you were next to him. It was every goodbye in your driveway, as I rushed out before he made it back home. Every late night conversation. Every I miss you. It will be over soon. Just hold on. It’s worth the wait. It’s worth it when it’s true love.

And so I waited. And secretly waiting destroyed me. Every day I panicked over you changing your mind. Or you not choosing me. I overanalyzed everything. Because I was so scared. Terrified, in fact. To have the one good thing taken from me. I never thought I would met someone like you.

Every moment I felt so lucky to have even a part of you. To be your number one. Even if I wasn’t your only one.

And I thought we were almost out of the dark. I thought we were together, our hands grasped so tightly running to the light.

And then you left me.

You left me lost. You left me for someone else. And I’m still here. I’m still waiting. And it kills me a little bit more each day. I thought it would get easier, but it only gets worse. The day you left me you stole my happiness. You tore my soul.

And while you are the cause you are also the only cure.

I would wait 1000 more years to hold you again. I really would. But the pain is just so much to bear.

And now there is this part of me ripped open. A part of me I took so long to bury. A part of me I trusted you with. You broke every promise you ever made. You told me you’d never hurt me. You told me you’d always be here. You told me I was your choice. You told me I made you feel like you never really loved someone before. And god I believed it. I believed every word.

I think back to that day on my bedroom floor. The day we decided to do this properly. Or as much as we could. And we could of stopped right there. I had feelings but I wasn’t in love. But now, it’s too late.

I can’t unlove you like you’ve unloved me.

Sometimes I question if you ever even loved me at all. If you really loved me how you could sleep so soundly at night knowing how broken I am without you? How you could move on to someone else? To someone else who will never love you as much as I do.

I still keep your truth, it’s all I have. And some days I want to rip it open. But what good would that do? Because I still wouldn’t have you.

Carrying this weight of our love is wearing me out. It’s too much. And you put it all on me. You walked away and moved on and let me carry the load. It’s not fair. I want you to know how guarded I was before I met you and trusting you was the biggest deal. And now my walls are sky high. I will never tear them down again. And you? You’re already in love again.

And there’s not a damn thing I can do.

But the truth is, a life without you just doesn’t really seem like much of a life at all. It seems so crazy that no one has any idea that I was even in love or still am for that matter. We were a secret that I agreed to but I really thought when you said someday you fucking meant it.

So no one knows why I’m still here and not out chasing dreams. No one knows that my dreams changed the moment I met you. And that I don’t know what the fuck I’m even doing anymore. My life is on pause because I’m still waiting. I’m still keeping my promise even though you broke all of yours. And you don’t even care.

I know there’s a way to make this pain end.But sometimes I think that even if I was gone, I’d still be homesick for you.

And life continues on. No one stops for the heartbroken. Still I wait. And wherever my soul finds itself tomorrow know that I am still here, holding on to hope.

Because you are making an awful mistake.
And I pray everyday you wake up and realize it.

And so I wait. TC mark

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