June 9, 2014

10 Quotes That Prove Moby-Dick Is Actually Gay Porn

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Author’s Note: I’ve read Moby-Dick five times, and every time I do, I am brutally slapped in the face by its homoerotic overtones. The last time I read it, I – an openly gay man – struggled to maintain a steady heart rate during most of chapters 23 through 135. Here are ten quotes that illustrate just how licentious this ~gReAt gAy AmErIcAn nOvEl~ really is:

1. “I squeezed that sperm till I myself almost melted into it.”

OK, you what? Ishmael, are you there? Can you hear me, Ishmael?

I think he fell into a limpid pool of white-hot lust and I don’t know if he will ever come back.

Also, this is from Chapter 94, “A Squeeze of the Hand.” ƪ(♥ﻬ♥)ʃ

2. “His flesh being hard as a twice-baked biscuit.”

This is how I’ve described many of my crushes to third parties.

3. “Look at his hump, which would be as fine eating as the buffalo’s”

Nineteenth-century literature’s brief foray into bestiality.

4. “He now has to…seize his harpoon from the crotch.”

K.

5. “…the wooden extremity of the harpoon, whose other naked, barbed end slopingly projects from the prow”

OK, yes, I’m appropriating this quote and imposing my own licentiousness onto it when all it’s really describing is a RUN-OF-THE-MILL HARPOON. And yet! I challenge you to read it any other way.

As a side note, this quote is from Chapter 63, lovingly entitled “The Crotch.”

6. “From its relative situation then, I should call this high hump the organ of firmness or indomitableness in the Sperm Whale. And that the great monster is indomitable, you will yet have reason to know.”

Sometimes, especially when reading Moby-Dick, you have to wonder: did God put sperm whales on this Earth just so they could serve as objects of our collective carnal fantasies? Jury’s still out on that one.

Aaaand this one’s from Chapter 80: “The Nut.”

7. “I was never served so before without giving a hard blow for it.”

Alright, Ishmael — we get it. You’re on a ship full of half-naked men, you know absolutely nothing about whaling, and — let’s be real — you only joined the crew because you like the concept of “blowholes.”

8. “Bounce we came plump onto his hump!”

Speaks for itself.

9. “His entire dazzling hump was distinctly visible.”

OK, I know it’s obvious that this is in reference to a sperm whale and not a human body part, but still. But STILL!

10. “Nay, let us all squeeze ourselves into each other; let us squeeze ourselves universally into the very milk and sperm of kindness.”

Along the lines of #1, it’s obvious that you, Ishmael, want to lose yourself in a benevolent gangbang at sea. Cool. TC mark

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