November 28, 2016

If Only You Could Love Me Again

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Jenn Richardson
Jenn Richardson

I remember how you loved me. I remember how I was the center of your universe. I remember how you made me feel, as if I was the best that could ever be. But I pushed you away. I took you for granted, I thought you would never leave; because how could you love me so immensely and then just stop? It didn’t make sense then that I could completely demolish someone’s love, until I did.

Until I lost you.

I never meant for this to happen, I never wanted to push you away. I loved every little piece of you, and I probably always will.

But I misused the love you gave me. I fed my ego with it. I selfishly filled every void within me with your love, and it was never enough. My soul was bereft. It had holes from people who had just left, and I used your love to fill them,to make me whole. I was needy and I kept asking for more, until I sucked you dry.

Until your heart turned cold. Until you became someone cruel, someone incapable of giving.

Now that you’re gone, I feel empty. I am empty. Because to me, you weren’t just you, you were every person who had ever left or betrayed me. You were every void and every piece of me. You were everything and everyone to me. But I never realized that until you left. I took from you without thinking about you for a second. I was selfish and I was ignorant to you and your feelings.

I’d give anything to take that back.

I want you back just as much as I am scared of having you back. I miss you so much it consumes me, but what is all of that in the face of all the heart-wrenching pain you have put me through for the past two years, without you even knowing about it.

But I forgive you.

I know you may never see this and I know that I’ll never have the guts to open my heart like that to you, but I want to apologize.

I sincerely apologize to you.

I’m sorry I couldn’t love you the way you loved me.

I’m sorry for putting you second when you should’ve been first.

I’m sorry for making you wait all those years for me, when I could’ve simply not.

I’m sorry that I never trust you enough, but I’ve been through so much and I’ve seen too much that my walls couldn’t just fully come down.

I’m sorry I lash out on you sometimes.

I’m sorry if I ever made you doubt your love to me, because you couldn’t have loved me any better.

I’m sorry I pushed you away, because now I’d give anything just to have you back.

I’m sorry I made you run through hoops just to please me.

I’m sorry I was ungrateful of you, but you are the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I’m sorry I couldn’t love you the way you loved me, because now I know that if I spend my whole life searching, I’d never find someone who would love me half as much as you used to.

I’m sorry for not appreciating all that you’ve done for me.

I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like a burden.

I’m sorry I have a temper, I know you hated me for it.

I’m sorry I took you for granted, when I should’ve given you the world instead.

But most of all, I’m sorry I couldn’t love you the way you loved me.

If things could change, if you could let me love you again, I’d never let you go. I’d never break your heart, I’d give you all I have, and I’d love you with all my heart, unconditionally.

If only you could let me love you again. [tc–mark]

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