July 2, 2015

I Am Not A Hot Girl

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What is the issue?

I am not a hot girl. I don’t surround myself with hot girls. I have beautiful friends-the ones I think are fabulous and funny and smart and funny-beautiful women, but not hot girls.

I have anxiety of hot girls. I don’t hang out with people I would feel self-conscious hitting the bar with, especially now that I know what a DUFF is. When I see them at parties, I avoid them because I’m intimidated by them and it bring me back to high school, where hot girls were mean and I wore glasses. Plus, hot girls are usually hanging out in packs. I try not approach packs of scary things (i.e. wolves and angry sports fans).

In my mid 20’s, I am increasingly (yay!) sleeping with men who didn’t catch in my awkward middle school stage, haven’t yet seen me try to dance, and haven’t seen my 13 year old Glamour Shots commissioned by my grandmother. So when I disrobe for the first time and a new guy tells me I’m hot, it kills the mood. When a stranger tells me I’m hot, I immediately think they are making fun of me and I have the female equivalent of losing my erection.

I love my body. I have always been blessed with good metabolism-which is lucky considering my love of cheese and beer. I posed naked (tastefully) for a magazine in college, will skinny dip with a group of strangers without a second thought, and am not embarrassed to parade around in a bathing suit at a pool party. In the least narcissistic way possible, I have been blessed with a rocking body. (If I exercised or did yoga regularly, I would take credit for this…but I don’t, so I can’t.) Maybe I’m an ugly-duckling-turned-swan late bloomer, but I am not a hot girl.

It’s very nice of Monday night man to tell me that my ass is perfect or I have a beautiful set of boobs, but I am not a hot girl. I am just a normal, cute chick trying to get laid. Do they feel bad for me? Is this their dirty talk? Why would a stranger in my bed (especially that model from last month?) focus on complimenting my looks so much? They already got me into bed-no need to continue the compliments for a one-night stand. (So please take care of business without gushing.)

What’s the best way to respond to that compliment? “Thanks” seems awkward. “You’re hot too” seems forced. “I know you are but what am I?” seems like it could end things quickly.

I am a confident woman-employed, smart, independent, and surrounded by a strong social network. But I am not a hot girl. Has the definition of hot changed? Am I late to the rebranding update? Is high school “hot” moot? Or did that new dress really work wonders? (And if so I am about to become a brand advocate and investor!)

As I continue to navigate the one night stands and longer term lovers of my 20’s, I’ll have to figure out how to receive these new compliments without wincing, or responding with a snarky comment. And I’ll hide all evidence of my middle school years before anyone comes over, so they don’t catch this hot girl imposter. Because no matter how much I bloom, I will never be a hot girl. If you don’t believe me, come see me try to dance and I’ll lose all of my hot street-cred. TC mark

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