7 Things You Need To Know About Dating A B*tch

1. You aren’t going to be able to control her.

Good luck trying to control a bitch. She’ll fly straight away if you make her mad, probably with her cute little demon-sized wings. I recommend not having any hot best friends because she is going to flirt with them so hard if you ever make her mad enough. She is a master at mind games, the player of players. You will lose at this game every time, I promise. She knows your weaknesses, she senses them. During the dating process, she was figuring you out – what makes you tick, what pisses you off, what makes you fall in love. By the time she is done with you, it is too late. She’s grown in power, thriving off of your weakness for her.

2. She’s gonna tell you like it is.

If you are being a little bitch about something, she will tell you. Oh, trust me, she will let you know. In fact, if you are doing anything that she doesn’t like, you’ll know. She’ll let you know by calling you a, “lil bitch,” “idiot,” “dumb ass,” or take a more creative approach like, “I’d rather makeout with a homeless man for five dollars than spend one more second in this car with you. Get out and walk home and then when you get home in three hours, you can apologize and I might forgive you if you are lucky.”

3. When you fight, you will be left wondering if your parents really did ever love you.

Bitches cut deep. They will say things that leave you wondering for days. Typical bitch conversation:

Bitch: “During Thanksgiving, your dad said he actually preferred me over you. That’s why he chose me for his Scrabble team. He knew we would win because I’m smarter than you are. That’s why we won.”

You: “Are you serious? He picked you because you are hot and he wanted to be creepy. That’s the only reason! And for the record, ‘Doug’ doesn’t even count as a word in Scrabble!”

Bitch: “Well it’s pretty funny that at age 50, your dad looks a hell of a lot better than you do. And ‘Doug’ is a word. I can’t help it that you and your mom suck at Scrabble. You are just pissed that we got triple points with ‘Aardvark.’ You know when your dad whispered in my ear and we started laughing and you asked us what we were laughing at and we started laughing even harder? Well, he told me that you used to piss your pants at night until you were 17.”

4. Don’t ever tell her that she is being a bitch as an insult.

There’s two types of bitches. Those who embrace being called a bitch and the girl who really isn’t so much a bitch as she is crazy. Crazy girl will be so offended by being called a bitch that you will not have eyes after this conversation. She will have clawed them out and ate them in front of you as a punishment. You will receive a claw mark across the face, a drink poured over your head, and a lit match to top it off. Your parents and loved ones will mourn for their loss and she will smile over your grave, proud of the work that she has done. Then she will leave your funeral with two of your best friends.

5. Drop all passive-aggressive attitudes at the door or she will break your penis in half.

Passive-aggressiveness is always a bad idea. If you are dating a bitch, you are going to have to reevaluate your method of fighting. Learn to just start off with an apology. Here are some examples of the right way to handle an argument with a bitch and the wrong way to handle an argument with a bitch.

Wrong way: “Look, Jennifer. I can’t help it my phone rang at three AM, what’s it to you any way? It was my sister. She needed a ride home.” “Wait, you want to see my texts? Well, how about you let me check through all your messages then? Doesn’t sound very fair, huh?” “OH MY GOD! MY PENIS, STOP!!! STOP!!! IT’S NOT SUPPOSED TO BEND BACKWARDS LIKE THAT! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP!!!!”

Right way: “Jennifer, baby, I am so sorry my phone rang and woke you up from your peaceful sleep. I think you were having a dream about a fluffy little kitten. You looked so sweet and you kept saying, ‘Come here, Mr. Kitten, we are going straight to the animal shelter to adopt you tomorrow!’ I think you were trying to subconsciously tell you that you wanted a kitten. Do you want a kitten, baby? Anything for you.” “Oh, it was just my sister, she needed a ride home, but she found someone else. There’s no way I’d leave you all alone in this great big bed. Now come here and let me be the Big Spoon!”

Basically, you have the decision of keeping your penis or not. You decide.

6. Compliment her if she spent time getting ready or you will have a date from hell.

If she spent more than an hour getting ready, you better make her feel like she is the most beautiful girl in the world or else that meal is going to taste like sorrow and broken dreams. I advise starting off with, “Damn! How did I get so lucky? You look amazing!” It’s always important to throw in a cuss word during a compliment. It seems more authentic and powerful. Do not say, “Holy shit you look like the greatest f*cking piece of a$$ I’ve ever had in my life.” One cuss word, tops. If you fail to give her a meaningful compliment, she will call you out. Practice in the mirror, remember that you are not scared and that she is only a person. You can do this, be brave.

7. You want to break up with her, but she’s so hot, though.

You really hate her and you don’t even know why you are dating her beyond the fact that she is the hottest girl you’ve ever seen in your life. She does that thing that you like and you can’t imagine that anyone else could possibly do that thing as good as she does it (whatever that thing is). There is no way that you will ever be able to score another girl of this magnitude. Your parents and friends are so proud of you and they still aren’t sure what she is doing with a loser like you. You wish that she’d be nice to you, but when she is nice to you, it scares you. It terrifies you. It makes your butthole clench up in fear, because you know something bad is coming. Not within the next hour, maybe not within the next day, but soon and very soon, the tempest will begin to rage. You will be a solitary figure on the beach hanging on to a palm tree, and she will be the 50 foot tidal wave approaching the beach, waiting to come crashing down upon you. Stay strong young soldier, love is a battlefield.