You know he’s broken, you are well aware. He may even have told you himself, told you to run away, in a moment of selfless lucidity.
Everything seems to be just right, sitting in that place you’ve gone a few times, risking it’ll acquire a sense of familiarity. You’ll order the same thing, and just as the sun is getting ready to set right behind him, you’ll see the scars on his wrist. He’ll change the subject, brush it off, say it’s nothing. You don’t press, but you feel a sense of responsibility for that never to happen again.
You could talk about anything, go anywhere, and feel everything. You went all the way to the airport once just to get cheese fries late at night. “Let’s go somewhere, anywhere” he would say as he wrapped his arm around you. You nodded no and laughed and secretly wished you could. You loved how he talked to old people, and how he answered the phone. You loved how he held your hand while driving, and how much he seemed to love you.
He says he doesn’t want anyone to ever hurt you. But he does, time and time again, as though the idea of free will was nonexistent.
Every time you want to let go, you convince yourself he’s not good for you- you know he isn’t. Every time you tell him to go away, he calls and it just takes two minutes to drill you back in.
You find yourself checking your email, your fucking email, to realize that he hasn’t sent you a long and heartfelt paragraph saying how much he misses you and needs you and how much it hurts him you were not willing to fight for what you had. Not that you were planning on answering, but it might’ve made you feel better for a second there.
After all, words are just that, words. If actions don’t go hand in hand with them, it all becomes nothing but an empty promise. You need to stop searching for an answer. There is no reason he is that way, he just is.
You wonder why he couldn’t just make more of an effort, or act a certain way. What you need to comprehend is that it is not your duty to change people or tame their demons. If something is broken, you could just cut yourself trying to put it back together. Let those wounds heal, instead of opening them up over and over.
You fall into a vicious cycle that keeps you from letting go completely. But finally, after that last drop, you let go. Know that you did everything in your power; know that you tried. You have to do what’s right for you in the long run.
Don’t let his toxicity get to you. It’ll hurt and you’ll feel sad sometimes. Surround yourself with people who care about you, do things that make you happy. Eventually, those wounds will close up and all it will leave is a tiny scar that reminds you to be strong, because you are.