7 Crucial Things That Tell You A Lot About People

1. Whoever tells you “not everything is about sex” is a liar. The phallus is everywhere – your remote, pencils, lamp stands, and wine bottles. Also, if someone tells you “the phallus is everywhere”, that should probably tell you something about them. What that is, I don’t know. Plus, people who think everything is about sex are sexy.

2. If you don’t change the empty toilet paper roll after you go, you are probably a shitty person (pun intended). Or if you don’t use toilet paper, either. But that’s self-explanatory.

3. If you argue with someone about the existence of God with someone who believes in God, you are probably not very nice nor merciful. I’m not talking about a religion God here. I am talking about a God that gives this shitty life some existential meaning to some people. Just let them have their coping mechanisms. This also applies to people who believe in astrology signs, the Illuminati, and aliens.

4. People who are constantly inflammatory about race and are constantly adding significance to skin color are the real racists. In concise wording, people who think everything is about race are racists. All of these white people making comments about other people’s race, and their own (hello, white privilege), are included in the blame here. Oh, and Al Sharpton, of course.

5. Whoever says religion and politics are things you never talk about at the dinner table probably never ate fried chicken and waffles and drank sweet tea during family dinners. Also, those people are probably bad at arguments. And, they are the anonymous trolls on every article with every political stance that you ever wrote. They also have serious unresolved mommy issues. “I just wanted mommy to listen to me, but I had to seek attention from complete strangers instead.”

6. To all of the people who are so uppity about animal rights but eat chicken: do you not realize that thousands of chicken farmers that are under contract by big chicken companies are abused financially even more than the animals that they caretake? Oh, and guess what – a lot of those chickens are products of big corporate, genetically-engineered, steroid-enhanced, 500-pound-chicken hatcheries that don’t give a shit if the chicken is blue in the face when it’s slaughtered and processed into your holistic grocery store chicken salads? Kiss my ass, PETA zealots. You are a hypocrite if you fight for ‘animal rights’, but not human rights.

7. That guy that never wants to resolve a debate talking point, that can never agree with you nor agree to disagree? He is deeply unhappy with himself. To those guys, Dr. Phil once said, “Would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?” And to the authors that are dealing with those guys, I say, you’re never going to make everybody happy, especially not that guy. Also, to that guy, I say, anything that you say can and will be used against you.