Thought Catalog
January 4, 2017

Someday All Your Broken Pieces Will Heal, And Someday Is Today

Report This Article
What is the issue?
Serkan Göktay
Serkan Göktay

I was 23 and you were 28.

We were sitting on the sand side by side, the waves kissing our feet as we talked for hours while we ignored the scorching sun.

Our fingers laced around each other’s hands as you promised that you would never let me go.

And in that very moment, we knew that it would be the start of something beautiful.

I was 24 and you were 29.

On our first anniversary, you surprised me with a bouquet of white roses because you knew it was my favorite and we danced to my favorite Coldplay song. It was magical and romantic that I cried out of happiness. You were never a romantic guy.

Little did I know, after a week, you would leave me without a note, without a goodbye.

I remembered all of your promises but you’ve thrown them all away. Things started to go downhill and my nightmares began.

I pictured us dancing to “The Scientist” that night. If only I knew that was the last time, I would have hugged you longer. And I thought, maybe it was your way of saying goodbye. But no, I refused to accept that you would do that to me.

I was left there alone as my world came shattering down on me. I never knew heartbreak could hurt like that. It felt like my whole body was being stabbed.

How can something beautiful turn into something loathsome?

Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months.

I wanted to sleep and never wake up. I wished that it was only a bad dream but unfortunately, it was not.

I knew that I was sinking but I let myself drown.

I was 25 and you were 30.

No matter how I convinced myself that I was ready to let you go, honestly, at that time, I wasn’t. I was lying to my friends, to my family and especially myself. I just wanted everybody to see that I was okay when I was not.

I wished for a miracle to happen every day. I have memorized all the things that I wanted to say to you when we meet again because I knew deep down in my heart that you would come back.

And yes, you did.

I pretended that it never happened. We never talked about it. I accepted you without questions asked because all I knew was I loved you with all of my heart.

I fought for you in every possible way because I wanted you — I wanted a future with you.

It wasn’t an easy journey. There were times when I wanted to give up and just leave. I knew our relationship was toxic. There were a lot of red flags which I ignored. It brought out all the worst in me. But I was blinded by the love that I had for you.

I was 26 and you were 31.

You surprised me with cupcakes and a card on my 26th. We were miles and time zones apart then. You asked me to marry you and I said yes in a heartbeat.

I thought that I would be so happy when the time comes that you would pop the question but it kept me awake that night as the memories came pouring in. The nightmares, the pain, the heartaches, and the wounds haunted me. That wasn’t the life that I wanted for myself. I wanted peace of mind.

I asked God to give me the courage to let go. He gave me numerous chances but it was me who had a hard time taking it. I was scared of letting go. I was scared of losing you.

It took me almost four years to finally say that I’ve had enough. You lied to me again and underestimated my instincts. I was expecting that maybe that time, you would at least make an effort to apologize but I never heard from you.

I cried for the last time that day and I promised to myself that I would never shed a tear for you ever again. I wouldn’t allow you to hurt me again. And I knew that that was the time, that was my chance — the chance to finally let you go, to let go of all the pain, to let go of all the broken promises, to let go of the lies, to let go of the love that I’ve had for you because there’s nothing left of me anymore.

I am all consumed.

I was 27 and you were 32.

I looked at the girl staring back at me. I barely recognized myself. I realized how ugly you made me look for the past years that we’ve been together. You took away my self-respect. My self-esteem disappeared.

I heard from you and for the first time in forever, you apologized. That was the last time that I heard your voice. But you were too late. I was too damaged to feel anything for you. You were sorry for all of the things that you’ve done, the wounds that you’ve inflicted and the pain that you’ve caused. But I didn’t let myself fall for it again. I followed my heart for almost four years and it led me nowhere.

Two months from now, I will be 30 and later this year, you will be 35.

Exactly three years ago today, I chose to love myself again. It was one of the hardest decisions that I had to make.

It has been seven years since I met you but I am still not over everything that I have been through.

Love is supposed to be easy but ours was a battle that I had to face and endure every single day.

You now have a family of your own and I am genuinely happy that you’ve found someone whom you can spend the rest of your life with. I have accepted it three years ago that we were really not meant to be — that I was the only one who forced us to work when it clearly didn’t and never would have.

I have to admit that I hated you at some point. I had to for me to forget you. I hated you for breaking my heart and my soul. I hated you for making me feel so small. I hated you because you made my life a mess. I hated you because you left me broken.

But I have moved on. I have let go of all the ill feelings that I’ve had for you. And I have forgiven you.

Up to this day, I am still reminded of you. I am not in love with you anymore but there’s still a space in my heart that will never ever be filled.

I am a lot better now though the pain changed me. I am more guarded. I am no longer the same person you met seven years ago. I guess my experiences made me mature. It was a journey that I came back from alive. It made me stronger. And I want to thank you for that.

I do not regret that I met you. I do not regret that I loved you. I do not regret that I didn’t hold back. I do not regret that I gave all that I had to you.

I do not regret because I am proud that once in my life, I was someone who is capable of loving and risking it all.

I am now 29 and you are now 34. 

I watched Coldplay’s concert and I remembered you when they played “The Scientist”. For four years, I couldn’t listen to that song because it always makes me cry.

“Nobody said it was easy.
It’s such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy.
No one ever said it would be this hard.
I’m going back to the start.”
— The Scientist, Coldplay

I closed my eyes all throughout the song and I let it take me into the night of April 17, 2011. I imagined that while we were dancing, you looked me in the eyes, hugged me tight and said, “Someday, all of your broken pieces will stick back together.”

It was all that I have been waiting for all these years. And even if it wasn’t real, I know in my heart that you would have said those words if only we were given the chance.

I opened my eyes and said to myself, “Finally, that ‘someday’ is today.” TC mark