5 Alternate 'Star Wars' Movies
Disney just chose J.J. Abrams to direct the new Star Wars movies. I couldn’t help but wonder what the franchise would look like if Disney chose another director:
The Coen Brothers
The movie starts off in the far-flung planet of Utapau, where Luke Skywalker’s long-lost cousin is having his Bar Mitzvah. Luke sneaks out during the Torah portion to smoke a joint. Mid-toke, Obi-Wan Kenobi (Jeff Bridges) appears and tells Luke he has to fulfill his destiny by defeating Darth Vader. Luke decides to return to the Bar Mitzvah instead, where suddenly he starts having a bad trip because the force is messing with him and everyone turns into a ‘90s mom. The rest of the movie is an existential take on Obi-Wan trying to talk Luke down from his bad trip.
Han Solo and Princess Leia (Leslie Mann) have grown tired of their once-passionate love affair. Yet their two kids (Maude and Iris Apatow) won’t stop saying the most adorable things at the most inopportune times. Han and Leia hire a struggling Storm Trooper (Jason Segal) to watch their kids while they try to rekindle their romance by contacting an Ewok for a threesome. Every lightsaber in this movie is actually just a penis.
Set in the dark underbelly of Coruscant, the film opens with Mace Windu’s family being killed in a vicious hate crime. Mace swears revenge, but is paralyzed by a fear that revenge is not the way for a Jedi. So Mace becomes a fabulously wealthy banker, but during the night he tracks the man who murdered his family. He also buys a bunch of really cool shit and drops his voice several octaves after dark. The film ends with Mace killing the murderer, but then realizing the pursuit of the murderer was much more fulfilling than the actual killing. Wins an Oscar for best cinematography.
Bigelow follows around two Clone Troopers as they have PTSD breakdowns and identity crises at the same time. The entire movie is shot on a handheld camera. As the Clone Troopers take out their anger on their families, Bigelow remains neutral. The two Clone Troopers end up drifting farther and farther apart, and the final shot is them drinking in the same bar without recognizing one another. Bigelow is criticized for not making the movie feminist enough.
An older Luke Skywalker (Bill Murray) starts dating a young musician. The musician’s father (Jason Schwartzman) decides to start a chain of lemonade stands and uses Luke, and his glory days, as a marketing device. Luke is uncomfortable with this so he flees to the underwater Gungan land with the musician where they start an artist’s colony. Luke truly discovers himself there and leaves the musician to marry a Gungan. All the viewers end up leaving the theater feeling like children again.
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2. You get separation anxiety.
There’s nothing worse than the person who pretends to wear their heart on their sleeve when they actually have an ace up it.
Be the envy, not the envier. You can’t find yourself in other people.
3. The smiling poop.