The Nine Circles Of Noise Violation Hell
By George Zhang
Vestibule (The Negligent)
Not actually considered a part of Noise Violation Hell, the Vestibule houses those who burn their chorizo after midnight and set off the hallway fire alarm, and then do absolutely nothing about it for half an hour.
Limbo (Virtuous Violators)
Angrily screaming obscenities out your window is almost never an effective way to get what you want. It also tends to be the default reaction to other noise violations. As they say, though, the road to Noise Violation Hell is paved with good intentions. Actually, I just made that up.
Second Circle (Retaliators)
I’m sorry that I get these weird urges to play Mozart’s Turkish March with laser sounds on my keyboard. I’m really sorry that sometimes I have to throw on that new Skrillex song after midnight (it’s so dirty that I just have to listen to it). But there is never an occasion to blast Yanni on your TV at full volume, and 1:45am on a Monday night is no exception.
Third Circle (Children)
Someday, child, you will no longer sing along as loudly as you can to every single song on the Saturday morning cartoons. Someday, you will be a hungover college student trying to sleep off one too many shots of whiskey, being woken up by the most annoying and high-pitched noise he could possibly hear at 7am. Until then, you belong in Noise Violation Hell.
Fourth Circle (Construction)
I respect that you’re trying to renovate the building. I totally get that tearing up every wall, floor, and stair and reinstalling it makes a lot of noise. I even understand if blasting Lady Gaga on the stereo will make your minimum-wage, manual labor job a little more bearable. But do you really, really have to take a power mixer to a bucket of plaster right outside my fourth-floor apartment during my afternoon nap? Isn’t there a better place to do that, called outside?
Fifth Circle (Vehicles)
After living in the city for a while, sirens and car horns become a part of the white noise – the background noise. Imagine being at the beach on a calm, sunny day and hearing waves gently crashing against the sand, punctuated every once in a while by the sound of a dying whale. Then, there’s the occasional and always inexplicable helicopter circling overhead for two hours. I like to pretend it’s being piloted by Batman. Or something. God, I really need to sleep.
Sixth Circle (The Sexually Vocal)
Occupants of the Sixth Circle are actually double violators. Not only do they keep you awake, but they also provide the additional insult of reminding you that you’re not getting any tonight. The Sixth Circle is mostly populated by Asian girls. A good friend of mine once recounted his experience of sleeping with an Asian girl: “It sounded like I was stabbing her to death.”
Seventh Circle (Bars & Clubs)
The Seventh Circle is relatively empty on weekends. On work nights, it becomes a flaming cesspool filled to the top with shitty guido DJs, complete with thundering bass and Top 40s on loop… forever.
Eighth Circle (Quarrelling Couples)
I would write more for this section, but I’m too busy reliving my traumatic childhood memories.
Ninth Circle (The Insane)
The deepest, darkest circle of Noise Violation Hell is reserved for those whose behavior truly cannot, in any way, be reconciled with basic human dignity. Here resides Satan himself, also known as whoever was blasting gospel music so loudly into my courtyard at 2am last night that it actually sounded like there was a live gospel concert in my courtyard at 2am last night.
Beware: Violators of the Ninth Circle are so treacherous that they can turn you into a violator yourself. You must be strong and resist the urge to yell every obscenity you know out your window, lest you be destined to join the wicked in Noise Violation Hell.