April 9, 2014

How To Survive Being An Asian Male

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What is the issue?
szefei / Shutterstock.com
szefei / Shutterstock.com

Outside of having to suffer through a few corny Ching Chong jokes, being an Asian female is pretty good. You get all the upsides of being an Asian male, plus virtually everyone finds you attractive.

But being an Asian male means being born with three strikes. Here in America, the stereotypes are that you’re more feminine than other guys, you have egg roll-sized dicks, and you can’t hold your booze.

These perceived drawbacks affect Asian males in their day-to-day lives, so let’s not waste our time arguing if they’re true; let’s figure out a way to circumvent them.

Stereotype #1: Asian Males Are More Feminine Than Other Males

When I lived in Taipei, I had my pick of the white girls because all the white guys were with Asians, while none of the white girls were. I asked a white girl why and she said, “Ew, it would be like fucking my brother.”

Asian males in America are only perceived as a tiny bit less masculine, so all you need to do is tweak it a little bit. Any one of these solutions will eradicate the fem stigma.

• FORGET ABOUT YOUR PARENTS
Asian parents are the most stubborn immigrants there are (outside of Scots). I’ve seen an Asian dad disown his daughter for catching her smoking—once! Your parents did a wonderful job and they made you who you are today, but listening to their rules as an adult is a one-way ticket to celibacy, so if they don’t like any of these changes, fuck ‘em.

•  GET A MOTORBIKE
It doesn’t have to be a 1000cc monster. Even a moped will do. As the Fonz told Richie Cunningham, leather jackets and a tough attitude don’t mean shit. It’s about what you do, not what you say, so get her on a bike and drive her somewhere. Outside of the masculinity you get from risking your lives, there’s something about sitting a girl on a vibrating seat that gives her a Pavlovian need to be around you.

• GET A TATTOO
But make sure it isn’t Asian. Old-school is key, and make sure it’s visible. Anything from a big feather on your forearm to a leopard will do. It shouldn’t be fancy or even tasteful.

• GROW OUT YOUR FACIAL HAIR
The risk many Asian males have is they will be seen as FOBs. This is also true of Mexicans and Native Americans who didn’t even get here by boat. (They walked.) To differentiate yourself from the nerd in Chinatown who just arrived a week ago, you should grow out a small mustache and some stubble. If it’s not totally adolescent, it says, “I’m an American dude who happens to have Asian parents.”

• STUDY MARTIAL ARTS
I know it’s a cliché, but it’s way less boring than jogging. The key here is to never talk about it. You don’t want to be that guy who defines himself by his hobby. It makes you look like you’re compensating. (Have you ever noticed that the white dudes who are super-public about their martial-arts skills often have a lazy eye? What’s up with that?) Just go three times a week and know you could kill anyone on the street that has a problem with you. This will change your whole demeanor.

• ALWAYS DRESS LIKE IT’S WINTER BELOW THE BELT
Wearing flip-flops makes you look like a Thai street vendor. It doesn’t help that your toes are gorgeous. Nothing says, “I’ve assimilated” like an Asian dude who wears pants all summer and keeps his shoes on.

• BUY SOME DAVID CHOE MERCHANDISE
Choe marked the end of the “uncool Asians” stereotype. He made over $100 million being a street artist, has boned every porn star on Earth, and went to jail in Tokyo for beating up the entire police force. You need to be associated with that. Buy a print of his and stick it on your living-room wall, or wear a shirt he designed. Become guilty of his crimes by association. Also, the brand Creep Street sums up the Asian demographic that has embraced the Choevolution. Get some of their shit, too.

Stereotype #2: Asian Males Have Small Dicks

Oriental cartoonist Adrian Tomine wrote a very heavy graphic novel where he talked about being dumped for having a small shlong. I don’t know if this stereotype is true or not, and I don’t give a shit. Neither should you.

I have a dick about the size of Mount Olympus, and it’s caused me nothing but trouble. Unless they’re 40-year-old divorced sluts, women don’t particularly enjoy being impaled. Outside of an insanely small dick, size only comes up in the changing room around other dudes. Even if your dick is minuscule, porking only happens a few times a week and if she’s really aching for a crucifixion, you can fuck her in the ass.

Have you seen most girls’ dildos? They look like plastic thumbs. My advice here is to go for it. When she’s sucking your knob, make her lick your balls and make her moan on it. It’s all about perception. When a black dude shows up to play Dungeons & Dragons, people are freaked out for a good twenty seconds. Then he rolls his 12-sided die and it’s on. Same with fat chicks. The only reason they’re gross is because they hate themselves in bed. If a fat chick was all, “Oh yeah, fuck my big fat ass,” you’d be totally into it. Subsume the persona of the ballsy fat chick and the black nerd who knows what he’s doing.

Stereotype #3: Asian Males Can’t Hold Their Booze

This is the only one I know to be absolutely true beyond all doubt, but like the others, it is very easy to fix. The key here is to say “no” to doing shots. Amstel Lite is barely 3.5% alcohol, so nurse those and you can go all night. If someone mocks you, don’t hide. Say something like, “Are you kidding? That shit is like roofies to me. One sip and I’ll be on the floor lying in my own puke. I’m Asian, dude.”

It’s that simple. Just pluck one of the tips here for the masculine thing, forget about the dick thing, and stick to lite beer.

Being born an Asian male has way more PROs than CONs. You’re at the top of the IQ chain and would basically have to become a junkie to not be successful. As far as your culture goes, it was thriving thousands of years before America even thought of existing. Go look up ancient Chinese (or any other Asian country’s) art. While Genghis Khan was inseminating entire continents, Europeans were wearing potato sacks and fighting rats. Stereotypes can be a burden regardless of their validity, but sneakers cost $40, tattoos are cheap, and you can get a decent motorbike for under $1,000. So stop being nerds and start carpet-bombing America with your cocks. TC mark

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