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March 28, 2014

Hey, Ladies! Short Hair Is Rape

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What is the issue?
Evgeniya Porechenskaya /
Evgeniya Porechenskaya /

Cutting your hair short seemed like a good idea at the time. Maybe your boyfriend dumped you and you’re looking to reinvent yourself. Maybe you think a “pixie cut” is a cute new look. Maybe you find it empowering to have a zero-maintenance ’do and you want to be free to focus on your work without being hit on all the time.

In all cases, you are saying “yes” to yourself and “no” to us. This is perfectly fine if you want to check out of society for the year or so it takes to grow your hair back, but if you’re still horsing around with us, it’s more than unattractive. It’s rape.

You see, staring at Halle Berry dead-on is fine over dinner because she still looks like an attractive woman, but fuck her from behind and you’re looking down at a 12-year-old mulatto boy. That’s not something we signed up for. Having a sexual encounter you didn’t sign up for is the textbook definition of rape. A woman with short hair would need the curves of Amber Rose to not look like a boy from behind. Just because you can cut off long hair doesn’t mean you can pull off short hair.

The same applies to virtually all sex acts. The Chelsea cut looks kind of cool, but I’ve made out with skinhead chicks before, and if you put your hand on the back of her head as she kisses your neck, it feels like Jason Statham. I enjoy watching him kick ass, but there’s no way he’s putting his penis in my ass.

Blowjobs are also problematic. It’s fine if we can see the lady’s lips wrapping around our schlong, but as soon as we lose the angle, all we see is Neil Patrick Harris going to town. That’s perfectly fine if you’re into that kind of thing, but we straight males went home with a chick who had short hair, not a kind, gay man with a delicate body. Is there a legal precedent for something like this? If you take home a tranny and it doesn’t tell you what it is until its dick is out, that’s almost rape. At least the tranny didn’t do its morphing mid-fuck. Having short hair is different. It’s like that blue chick in X-Men. I think you’d have a pretty good case for some kind of sexual-assault charge if you took home Rebecca Romijn and right before you cum, she turned into John Stamos. If it’s not a full-on rape, it’s definitely in the top 1% of dirty dick tricks.

Why do you want to do that, anyway? You look like a weird boy. Don’t you understand the fundamentals of attraction? They’re based on exaggerating our differences. As Desmond Morris points out in his series The Naked Ape, everything we define as attractive is an exaggeration of what makes our gender unique. Women have bigger butts and more shapely legs than men, so they put on high-heel shoes that push out the ass and elongate the calves. They have fuller lips and longer eyelashes, so they use makeup to draw attention to both. Long hair signifies youthful beauty and fragility, so Playboy models grow it long and MMA fighters keep it short.

There’s a myth floating around that men are intimidated by women with short hair. Let me clue you in on something. Men are horny. They aren’t “intimidated” by anything that has a vagina. That’s why humans still exist. If a woman is pretty and she’s the CEO of the biggest corporation in the world, guys are going to take a crack at laying her. She can be a professional hitman for the Mob, but if she’s attractive, we will negotiate a way in. Saying that men find you “too smart” or “too rich” or “too powerful” are all fancy ways of saying, “Men don’t like me because I’m not hot.” Men aren’t scared of your short hair. They’re bummed out by it.

Look, if it’s laundry day and you’re kind of over dudes for the foreseeable future, get a top bun. That clearly says, “Don’t come near me.” Then, a day later when you’re feeling like a woman again, you can undo the bun and reclaim your throne as the fairer sex. Just don’t do anything that turns you into a dude for a year. And if you do, don’t fuck us. It’s rape. TC mark