10 Myths About Being A Male Model
1. WE’RE STUPID.
Oh we’re stupid are we? Watch this. 19 x 19 goes, well, first you go 19 x 20 which is (19 x 10) + (19 x 10). So, that’s 190 + 190 which is basically (200 + 200) – 20, so, 380. Okay, now we’ve got too much because it wasn’t 19 x 20 it was 19 x 19. That means we had an extra number in there 19 times? So it’s 380 – 19 which is basically 380 – 20 – 1. So’ that’s 360 – 1 which is 359. 19 x 19 = 359. Yeah, I’m really “stupid.”
2. WE’RE WEAK.
Oh we’re weak are we? Hmm, I guess that’s why we have ILLEGAL FIGHT CLUBS all over the city where we fucking hammer the shit out of each other like Brad Pitt did in that movie where he was Kevin Spacey.
3. WE ALL HATED ZOOLANDER.
I know maybe two male models who were offended by Zoolander and one of them’s European so he doesn’t get anything. Like most male models, I thought it was funny. If anyone was being made fun of it was the actors themselves. Ben Stiller is way too short to be a model and his back is so hunched up he looks like the dad from King of Queens. Owen Wilson had his nose broken and decided not to have it set (why?) so it looks like he has a hockey stick in the middle of his face. They were making fun of how absurd it would be for them to be like me.
4. ANYONE CAN GET US.
You know what turns me on? A woman with a great personality who is funny, and open minded, and most of all, fun. I don’t care if she’s rich and famous and wants to wine and dine me all over the world. I don’t care if she wants to be my sex slave and will ask nothing in return. I care about PERSONALITY. I start on the very deepest inside and work my way outwards to see what she looks like.
5. WE FUCK SUPERMODELS.
Most supermodels are bored of the industry and want to be with a guy outside of the industry after their done working all day in the industry. A lot of them like rich guys like the guy Lady Di was dating when she died. Others will go for totally ugly losers like the redhead from Mad Men did. Her husband looks like his face is melting like on Raiders of the Lost Ark when the Nazi dude looks at that treasure he’s not supposed to look at.
6. WE’RE PERFECT.
You know what I see when I look in the mirror? You. I see someone who is insecure and thinks they’re ugly. I see someone full of self-doubt who’s worried he’ll be a washed up nothing tomorrow. I’m exactly like you.
7. WE’RE RICH.
Modeling pays well for the very best, top guys but it takes forever to get there and often by the time you do, you’re too old to get the big paying gigs. I’ve been very fortunate to be blessed with a face that ages well and will always get work with the sort of dapper, uptown demographic. Many, like MANY others fall through the cracks.
8. WE’RE DRUG ADDICTS.
Sure female models inhale cocaine like they’re in Mötley Crüe during fashion week (I don’t mean Mötley Crüe go to fashion week – I mean that’s when the models do a lot of coke). To be a male model you have to be in incredible shape and that means no partying. Smoking lots of pot means letting my body go to pot, literally, and I can’t afford that, literally.
9. OUR DICKS ARE HUGE.
I am so sick of everyone assuming just because we look perfect above the waist we must look as good down below. We are human beings just like anyone else. There are male models who are well endowed and some who aren’t. Due to the nature of our jobs, we have to be very clean and maybe aesthetically, our area will look more “put together” but as far as size goes, we follow the same rules as everybody else.
10. OUR JOB IS EASY
I would love it if just one of these assface losers who mock male models was forced to spend a month doing what we do. A typical day for a male model involves waking up not hungover, eating right, going to the gym for hours on end, and then SENDING A SNAPSHOT OF OUR TORSO TO THE AGENCY. That’s right, like a pet horse, we are forced to photograph ourselves to prove to our agents that we aren’t getting fat. After that humiliating experience, we go to a “Look See” with our books and someone will just say, “Nope.” That’s actually one of the better ones. Sometimes they’ll sit there and go, “His chin is too weak” or “Why does his upper body look like Grover?” They’ll say, “He’s so old. He looks like a shar pei with anorexia” or the one I keep getting, “He looks like Donald Sutherland with AIDS.” I’ve even had clients call up my agency in front of me and bawl them out for sending me! When this happens you have to grab your book, say, “Thank you very much” and march out of there like nothing happened. You can’t even cry in the elevator.
So, before you judge us, consider what we go through. Instead of mocking, try walking up to us and saying, “Hi.” Most of the time we’re more intimidated of you than you are by us.
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They say laughter is the best medicine, and six months ago I found myself highly medicated, that is, I remembered how to laugh.
If we are not happy now with ourselves and what we are doing then what the hell makes us think that we will be happy or satisfied later?
I remember the grass tickling my bare legs and the stains on your shirt, and you smirking at my excitement before your tongue swirled pralines and cream into my mouth.
Second semester: I wonder how much coffee it would take to kill someone?