Pudgy Bands And Their Career Trajectories
Real Esteak
The ‘Steaks, as they’re known to their biggest fans, are a slim and trim band that has toured the country since 2008. But when their tour bus broke down on an interstate highway somewhere between Kansas and Oklahoma earlier this year, the group was forced to live off Steak and Shake burgers for days while their bus was repaired. After tasting the prime cut Angus burgers of the Midwest, the group from Jersey decided no other food would ever pass their lips. They ate burgers, fries, and shakes in greater abundance than the reverb that drenches their music. Lovers of all things bland, Real Esteak collectively decided that their new album cover would feature a vanilla milkshake with a chocolate syrup smile — Pitchfork readers, eat your heart out.
Justin Timbercake
With his last record dropping in 2006, Justin Timbercake has spent the past six years attempting to write one song for his third solo album. With no musical inspiration, Justin turned to food to fill the void — eating Ben & Jerry’s Rocky Road ice cream, double dark chocolate fudgesicles, and family-sized Stouffers Mac n’ Cheese frozen dinners for every meal. Within half a year, the artist formerly known as Mr. Sexy Back added enough ripples on his stomach to star in the film Friends With Brownies, a movie that ends with him suffocating Mila Kunis with his caustic wit and 46-inch inseam. Timbercake plans to release a joint album with Ruben Studdard in early 2013, blending his new deep bravado with Studdard’s R&B flavors. The entire recording process is allegedly being catered by Kraft Macaroni Services.
A$AP Stocky
In his quest to truly be the greatest weed rapper of all-time, A$AP Stocky began to smoke copious amounts of ganja (more than his current 9-5 schedule) in late 2012 — at times, Stocky was reported as having a constant high for over 36 straight hours. This bong-ripping spree led the Harlem rapper and his A$AP Mob to consume an entire block of street food in one day. Practically over night, Stocky and his crew ballooned out to Fat Albert proportions. Still, the artist continued to smoke and laugh like Eddie Murphy uncontrollably. It is reported that Stocky is requesting that both Rick Owens and Raf Simons come out with clothing lines that tailor to his new XXL frame.
Macaroon 5
Simon Cowell hastily assembled the Italian boy band, Macaroon 5, on a recent visit to the Amalfi Coast. While snacking on the delicious dessert on a private beach in one of his signature barely-there Speedos, Cowell saw a group of local men playing sand soccer. The boys appeared to be having fun and enjoying their casual Sunday, and Cowell knew he had to disrupt this untapped charm. Waltzing over to the boys while playing with his exposed chest hair, Cowell asked if any of the soccer studs would like to make a million dollars for the small price of their soul. Five of the boys raised their hands and immediately were swooped up by Cowell’s security detail and taken into his boy band laboratory. From there, the members of Macaroon 5 were all given new names, histories, clothes, and in some cases, families. The group is slated for a winter tour with the American Idol Season 7 runner-up contestants.
Sigur Roast
After the ambient, post-rockers released a slew of records entirely comprised of one note, their entire fan base of shoe-gazing alt college coeds violently turned against them. With ticket sales plummeting, the band was forced to play at private events and corporate functions in perpetuity. However, the group found a niche in the rodeo circuit, hopping on the Southern leg of a national tour. Unsure whether rodeo fans simply couldn’t hear their music over the festivities or simply didn’t care, Sigur Roast discovered they were never told to stop playing by the rodeo organizers. Sequestered to the dining areas for the tour, the band has made the eating of mashed potatoes and fried chicken one of the most epic activities of the rodeo experience.
Childish Gambeano
In a nod to Notorious B.I.G. and Fat Joe, Donald Glover gained 105 lbs. over the summer of 2012, slamming down chili cheese dogs and waffle fries like it was his job. Glover felt the wit from his Camp record couldn’t be repeated on his sophomore follow-up — the big boy rap game was his new niche. Studying tape from pre-Celebrity Fit Club Ralphie May and assorted Zach Galifianakis movies, Glover learned how to turn his extra jiggle into a professional moneymaker. His upcoming tour, and consequently, rap name, is now sponsored by Beano — a move E! reported is due to the lifetime supply of the dietary supplement the manufacturer donated to Glover.
Other Notable Pudgy Bands
Ne-FroYo
Super Chunky
Big Mac Miller
Bun.
Kendrick Lamars Bars
Cheese Wiz Khalifa
Jack White Castle
Wocka Flocka Flame-broiled
Sleigh Bluebells
Burger King Tuff
Frank Ocean Water
Glen Hamsard
Tune-Lards
The Smashing Pumpkin Pies
Lil BBQ
Bananas Foster the People
Alabama Milkshakes
The xxL