Oh. We Made Plans Weeks Ago But Now You “Don’t Feel Like Going Out.” That’s Cool, I Guess
By Gaby Dunn
Oh, you want to take the last pudding cup from the fridge even though I bought them? Okay.
We made plans for tonight to do something very specific, like weeks ago, but now you don’t “feel like going out.” That’s cool.
I told you not to hook up with that guy because I’ve had my eye on him for weeks and then you did it anyway because you just REALLY like each other. Oh.
I spent forever working on that project for class and now you want to slap your name on it last minute even though you didn’t help at all? Okay.
Oh, you’re at my birthday party in my very small apartment and you brought the entire cast of Entourage with you even though I said “no guests?” That’s cool.
I’m trying to talk to you about something important but you’re loudly smacking your gum and looking at Facebook on your phone. Okay.
Oh, I’ve been trying to get in touch with you all day but you’re not picking up and then I see you’ve updated Twitter about fifteen thousand times. Okay. I guess.
I see the toilet paper roll ran out but instead of replacing it you just left it near the toilet with the cardboard roll still there. So. That’s cool.
You can see I’m sitting at this bar with my friend having a clearly private conversation, but you want to come over and try to hit on us both? Okay.
You want me to offer you some weed but you don’t want to ask for it so you’re just lingering around me? You know you can ask. But that’s cool.
I just told you that I love that movie and that it basically changed my life and you proceeded to shit all over it in front of me. Oh.
I just started singing along to the radio but then you change it to another station. That’s cool.
I just walked up basically a million flights of stairs to get to your apartment but you don’t offer me water or a beer or anything? Oh.
I’m about to finish my workday and close down the restaurant/coffee shop/retail store I work at but you came in 10 minutes beforehand and want to try on/eat a zillion things. Okay.
I’m walking down the street trying to go about my day and you feel the need to yell something nasty at me. That’s cool.
You take a handful of my french fries and touch my food before I give you the go ahead or say I’m finished. Oh.
There’s one table left at the library with five chairs but you’ve spread out your backpack, sweatshirt, books and purse all over the whole table so now there’s no room. Okay.
You get on the train and blast your music from a boombox so everyone can hear it, rather than getting headphones or considering that some people want the train quiet so they can read.
Oh. Okay. That’s cool. I guess.
You’re not nice, honey, you’re bitter.
By Alannah Ryan
If you can’t afford to tip. EAT. AT. HOME. In fact don’t eat at all. Go starve and die.
By Anne Gus
“GET OFF HER HAIR, IDIOT!”
By Rob Fee
I’m not made of porcelain and I’m not going to break if you use the wrong words or reveal yourself to be a terrible person.