35 Ways To Know You’re Ron Swanson
By Gaby Dunn
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WhDHui1BZYA&w=600&h=315]
1. You drink scotch. Lots of it.
2. You’ve ever ordered “all the bacon and eggs you have.”
3. You’ve carved numerous beautiful pieces out of wood.
4. You hate organized government.
5. When you feel someone is getting too comfortable, you purposefully call them by the wrong first name.
6. You hate your job, but you love and care for the people you work with and are kind of a secret softie.
7. You have severe mommy issues, or just two ex-wives with the same name as your mom.
8. You believe clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.
9. You always have a permit, because you can do whatever you want.
10. You believe you should never half-ass two things, but instead whole ass one thing.
11. You own numerous tool boxes because every home should have one.
12. Cow over turkey. Always.
13. You’ve had three haircuts: high and tight, crew cut, and buzz cut.
14. You believe capitalism exists to distinguish between smart people and poor people.
15. Fish meat is practically a vegetable to you and if someone presented you with a salad, you’d tell them you’re not a rabbit.
16. You only need one to three close friends.
17. You have your own pyramid of greatness that you’ve been working on for a long time.
18. Crying is only acceptable at funerals or the Grand Canyon.
19. You love people who are both aggressively mean and apathetic.
20. You believe child labor laws are ruining this country. You had a job at a sheet metal factory when you were 9.
21. You can put “Fucking” in between your first and last name and it sounds AWESOME.
22. Before you eat meat, you like to have looked into the eyes of your dinner.
23. You’ve seen three movies: Bridge Over The River Kwai, Patton, and Herbie: Fully Loaded.
24. You like two things: dark-haired women and breakfast foods.
25. You think it’s pointless for people to paint nature scenes when they could go outside and stand in it.
26. To you, the whole point of living in the United States is that if you wanna eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you are free to do so.
27. You think only women shave below the face, and that facial hair should be full, thick and square. If you have to sculpt it, that probably means you can’t grow it.
28. You eat a mid-morning pre-lunch before actual lunch.
29. You bowl straight down the middle. No hook, no spin, no fuss. Anything more is figure skating.
30. Your father didn’t want you to go to college. He wanted you to work at a steel mill. But you hitched a ride, and enrolled anyway.
31. Your idea of a perfect 10 is tennis legend Steffi Graff.
32. The less you know about other people’s affairs, the happier you are. If you could work with someone for years and never learn their name, that’d be ideal.
33. You’re not big on charity, and that whole “teach a man to fish” philosophy. You think a grown man ought to be able to teach himself how to fish.
34. You’ve actually told someone, “If you need anything… too bad.”
35. On your death bed, your final wish is to have your exes rush to your side so you can use your dying breath to tell them both to go to Hell one last time. But also if you don’t believe in love, what’s the point of living?