1. Drink the four cups of wine. Is it Manischewitz? Drink all the wine then. That stuff is basically water.
2. Hillel sandwich, guys. It’s delicious. Eat at least seven of them.
3. Passover is a week-long no-carb diet. Do not look at pictures of bread or cakes. Pretend those things don’t exist. Just don’t even tempt yourself. Just try and enjoy the matzah brie.
4. Get a comfy pillow for the seder. Like a big body pillow. This shiz is gonna take forever. Don’t skimp on that commandment to relax.
5. Try to have fun with it. I found 10 Plagues nail art stickers I’ll be wearing to my second seder. Is it weird to have a thumb nail with “death of the first born ” on it? Yes. Is it kind of cool? Yes.
6. Seriously, get in on that Charoset. Why do we only eat this one time a year? It’s so good.
7. Avoid the argument about who is going to do the Four Questions. If you are the youngest, just suck it up and do it. No one is calling you a “baby” or not respecting your growth. Just do it and get it over with. Or have a kid so they can do it.
8. Actually try to find the Afikomen. Don’t just stand in one room and wait for someone else to do it. Put in some effort. Let’s be real, you could used that 10 bucks.
9. When the festive meal comes, eat everything. There’s gonna be brisket, and you haven’t had home-cooked meat in long enough to give you a bone disease.
10. Skip “Chad Gadya” that song is about a goat and it is unnecessary.
11. Just eat the gefilte fish. Remember how you’re not having yeast for eight days? You’re gonna need sustenance. (Weird thing: I actually love gefilte fish.)
12. Eat those weird fruit gelly things that come in a tray package. What are those things, right?
13. I like to play Russian Roulette with my cholesterol by eating at least a thousand hard-boiled eggs dipped in salt. Fun!
14. During “Dayenu,” get really into it. Slam on the table, dance, scream the chorus. ENOUGH! ENOUGH! ENOUGH!
15. Make everyone watch “The Prince Of Egypt” and sing along to the Mariah Carey-Whitney Houston masterpiece “When You Believe” in earnest.
16. Dress up like Elijah and camp outside the door so that when they open the door for Elijah, there’s actually an old man in a white robe standing there. Will it freak everyone out? Yes. Will it be funny? Yes.
17. Make everyone watch “Rugrats Passover,” maybe the greatest movie ever made about Passover.
18. Put on a “Passover playlist” during dinner including such songs as “Walk Like An Egyptian” and Queen’s “I Want To Break Free.” You get it.
19. Be willing to engage in conversations about Obama in Israel. Or come up with a really good exit strategy for those like, “DOES ANYONE SMELL SOMETHING BURNING? BYEEEE.”
20. Try and read the part of the wise son this year instead of getting stuck reading the simple son like some grand hint to get your life together.
21. Remember those four glasses of wine? You should probably drink Elijah’s cup too. And another four glasses. You know, to be a good Jew.