I’m about to tell you what I’m sure you’ve been waiting to hear: I’ve decided to give up. There’s clearly something you want and you’ve clearly set yourself on a path to get it and manipulated your way through the muck so congratulations, it’s yours.
I picture you like some kind of Disney villain sitting in your lair, tapping your fingers together, waiting for me to finally crack. Well, guess what? I have. I have cracked.
But I want you to know that I did not go down without a fight. You know that better than anyone. I tried to steel myself against you. I tried to not let you bother me. I tried to ignore you. But you took your time and really dug the knife in deep. I want you to know that I feel like you violated my trust and swooped in like a burglar in the night and robbed me. That you swindled me out of something I thought you’d never even try to take.
So you win. And I hope it was worth it. I hope you feel good about what you’ve turned me into. I hope you’re happy to rub it in my face and to be the victor. I hope you’re celebrating right now, looking around at what you took from me and just loving it.
But if this was so important to you, why did you think you had to play me? Why not be honest from the start? Why not let me decide for myself what I wanted? Why was it so important to beat me, to cheat me, to make me “lose?” We could have talked this out. We could have made it work. We could have been civil. But you were not civil, were you?
You played the long con. You were in it to win it. And win it you did.
You beat me at this chess game called “life.” You took me and twisted me and confused me and now you got what you want. So I give. I will not fight you anymore. I relinquish my power. You’ll get everything you want. I will roll over and I will stop fighting. It seems now that it was inevitable, right? That you only had to wait long enough, play through the game of chicken, linger silently in the shadows and then pounce when you saw the slightest opening.
Just when I was starting to feel all right about things, you made your move. You slid in to that vulnerable happy area in my life and you sucked it dry. You took advantage of me when my guard was down. I guess that’s how you win, right? And I was just another mark. Another bonehead in your path.
So fine. If it means that much to you, I will back down. I will let you take and take and take. I will disappear. I will shut up. I will go away. You win this round. I hope you’re pleased with yourself.
You win. You win. You win.
I give up.
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My hands were numb but I pushed the shortcut to my mom’s cell phone. No service at 30,000 feet. “Call me ASAP,” I wrote, and pushed send. Delivery Failure.
Used with permission from Honest Slogans. 1. Pizza Hut 2. Candy Crush 3. Target 4. Best Buy 5. Apple 6. America Online 7. Hot Pockets 8. Waffle House 9. Lego 10. Adobe 11. Hulu 12. Wii 13. Subway 14.
When I was a kid, I dreamed of my mid-20s. Seriously, you remember those awkward moments of junior high, high school, and even college when you just thought, “Goddamnit, I wish I were a real adult,” right?
10. Make sure your lips are always chapped by constantly licking them and never applying chap stick.